FEATURE ARTICLE

Tuesday, February 2, 2021
amobipchuks@yahoo.com

STINGY MEN ASSOCIATION

any odd and ridiculous associations or clubs are springing up here and there in this digital age. They include Association of Homosexuals, Association of Lesbians, Gay Club, Air Polluters Club, Association of Husband and Wife Snatchers, Association of Adulterers and Fornicators, Womanization Club, Ogbuoge Club, Association of Atheists, Terrorists Club, Hellfire Club, Association of Drunkards, Coronavirus Club, Association of Idiots, Supreme Evil Club, Association of Chain Smokers, Drug Abusers Club, et cetera. The latest is the Stingy Men Association. You can add your own club or association among the above list.

From the wide research I made, I learned that the Stingy Men Association sprang up in Zambia in November 2020 on social media after a man named Leonard Mweembe was arrested for allegedly beating his wife because she asked him for money to make her hair. Is that not funny? In Nigeria the Stingy Men Association began in January 2021, when a group of men decided not to spend their hard earned money on women. The members are obliged to give excuses whenever a woman asks for money from them. Women here do not only concern girl-friends. Intrinsically wives are included. It also embraces mothers and sisters. What will be the fate of a mother whose only son belongs to the Stingy Men Association? The motto of the Stingy Men Association is: "Do not give Shishi." The excuses involved are: "Let Me See What I Can Do." "I wish you had told me earlier." "I am expecting some money next week." The members continue to give women such excuses indefinitely.

An interested member is expected to fill a membership form and then swear Oath of Fidelity to the Association, which reads: "I solemnly swear, to uphold the Dignity of the great Association with due diligence; to never give shishi by any financial exploitation to the other gender; to respect and uphold the Constitution of this great Association. So help me God." Can God hear this prayer? In addition, a member must observe strict codes, which forbid one from organizing birthday parties. Also he is forbidden to send transport money to women. If you are a woman, pray seriously that none of your male relations belongs to this Association. If you are married and your husband is a member of the Association, then it means that you are on your own, because he will not spend any kobo on you. I candidly advise girls who are shopping for life partners to make necessary enquiries before accepting any marriage proposal from any man. Ask him this vital question: "Are you a member of the Stingy Men Association?" If his answer is yes and you accept his hand in marriage, then be ready to respect his modus operandi.

The logo of the Stingy Men Association is clenched fingers. It is an ominous symbol of unwillingness to give. In my area stingy persons are said to have "aka gum," which means gummy hand or "aka evostick." My people call a stingy person "Eri eri" or "Okpa aku eri eri." Have you read the Igbo novel titled "Okpa Aku Eri Eri"? In the book you will learn from what happened to the stingy headmaster called Akubuzo. Stingy in Igbo is called 'mkpi' with dot under the last letter 'i'. Stinginess was considered a vice. But as from January 2021 it has become a virtue for the Stingy Men Association. Few days ago I came across a man popularly known as Bob Stingy. He was going from place to place distributing leaflets of the Stingy Men Association; inviting interested men to join. He gave me one of the leaflets and told me that priests are not exempt from joining the Stingy Men Association. I glanced at it and gave it back to him. I put it to him that I belong to the Generous Men Association. He looked at me from head to toe and walked briskly away. Priests who are stingy should be appointed as the chaplains or the spiritual directors of the Stingy Men Association. Those who are willing to volunteer should inform their bishops.

The Stingy Men Association is presently causing gender revolution. Many women are not happy with the group. Consequently, a group of women just formed a parallel association known as Stingy Women Association. They have sworn an oath never to give money or sex to any man including their husbands. Also a group of angry women formed Wicked Women Association. They vowed, by all means, to deal ruthlessly with any man that comes their way. The die is cast!

It is not only women that are revolting. A couple of days ago, a group of boys rose and set up Lavish Boys Association. This group has decided to spend their money on women at all levels. Another group of men gathered and formed Generous Men Association of Nigeria (GMAN). Yet another group established the Cheerful Givers Association of Nigeria (CGAN). This group is headed by a man popularly known as Donatus. His wife is called Kezaya. While he donates, his wife shares to the needy. They are living happily and are blessed with five promising children. To crown it all, a handful of men assembled and came out with No Money Men Association with this slogan: "I forget my wallet at home." This is funny.

On a serious note I have decided through divine inspiration to form my own group to be known as Givers Never Lack Association. Please if you wish to be a member, call me or send me a text via 08037421163. First come, first served. All interested members must possess long fingers and must be cheerful facially. Please do not apply if you have stone face. Members should expect their reward here on earth and later in heaven.

Last week a young couple was blessed with bouncing baby twins, a male and a female. They were born in the month of January 2020 when the Stingy Men Association sprang up in Nigeria. The male twin, whose fingers are very short, was named Stinginess. The female twin, who has long fingers, was called Generosity. After one month of the naming ceremony, the male twin called Stinginess fell seriously sick. He was rushed to children's hospital. The doctor on duty tried everything possible to revive him but all to no avail. Fortunately a priest of God came on his routine hospital visitation. He saw the child crying and wreathing in pains. He rushed to his sick-bed to pray over him. The parents were already mourning. The priest assured them that God never sleeps. Before praying over the male twin he enquired of his name. The mother tearfully said, "His name is Stinginess." The priest exclaimed, "What! This obnoxious name is the cause of the child's serious illness." He raised his eyes to heaven and said, "With the divine power bestowed on me, I decree that this child's name henceforth is Kindness. Therefore little Kindness, be healed in the mighty Name of Jesus Christ!" Instantly the child recovered and started smiling. The parents came to the hospital sorrowfully with Stinginess and went home happily with Kindness, the twin brother of Generosity.

Stinginess is the unwillingness to give or to spend. It knows no boundary. In other words, it does not respect gender. In practice a stingy person is always unwilling to give to both men and women. Is it possible to be stingy to women and at the same time be generous to men? Stinginess and Generosity are two opposing words. Therefore, it is rare to be stingy and generous at the same time. A stingy person is a miser. My wise Pastor and Professor in Old Testament Theology and Greek Language at Bigard Memorial Seminary Enugu, Monsignor T.O. Onoyima, normally said, "Misers die miserly." In the Holy Book we read, "He who hoards, depriving himself, is hoarding for others: others will enjoy his wealth" (Sirach 14:4). It pays to be generous to all.

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