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[email protected] Political Scientist USA

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FRIDAY PEPPERSOUP TALK
A DEMOCRACY OF SLAPS

here have you been?

I went to Abuja for a conference.

I see.

It was a very nice conference. I enjoyed it. Abuja is a very beautiful city. I thought for a moment that I was in New York.

But you have never been to New York. In fact, you have never been to the US. How then can you use New York in relations to Abuja?

Yes, it is true, I have never been to the US. But in this age of technology, do I need to be in New York to know that it is beautiful? There is something called the internet, my friend.

You have a point. So did you see any of our lawmakers?

Yes, I was in Abuja when they were exchanging slaps. I could hear the slaps from my hotel room.

You have come with your exaggerations. So what do you think about the slap that was rendered to the female senator?

It was a good one. It had the force of gravity behind it and with the way it was delivered that slap could go into the Guinness Book of Record as the best delivered slap ever. The senator left an imprint on her cheeks. The next time someone kisses her on the cheeks, the imprints will remind them of the corruption she was involved in.

Are you saying that she deserved the slap because she misused funds meant for the committee and its work with local governments?

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No, what I am saying is that it's about time someone held our leaders accountable even if it means another corrupt leader holding his colleague accountable.

You want to achieve accountability through slaps?

If I had my way, I will begin with Obasanjo, I will slap him "gbam, gbam". Then I will look for Atiku and offer him his own. All the ministers will get their fair share and then the senators and representatives will receive theirs. I will conclude my slapping each of the thirty-six governors very hard.

Including the governor of Zamfara?

Yes, I will save his slaps for last.

Don't be silly. But on a serious note, it does not portray us well. Very soon, a researcher will come and say Nigerians are the most slapped people in the world. The other day, I was reading a Malaysian newspaper and I read the article on the senators slapping each other. The story has gone far and wide and that cannot be good news for our democracy.

I agree, but we are talking about Nigeria where no one respects anyone. Bosses slap their employees like they were their children. Husbands slap their wives and the wives take it out on the house girls and slap them. In the universities, professors slap their students and threaten them with failing grades if they speak out. This must be a democracy of slaps.

But I heard that another female lawmaker slapped her male colleague in the House. I am sure Nigerian women must have been rejoicing for that sweet revenge.

Yes, I heard that too. In fact, I pity that man for his wife will beat him up when he gets home.

Why will his wife beat him up?

Well, any man in Nigeria who is slapped by a woman should be ashamed of himself. How can you allow a woman to slap you? How do you explain that to your wife that you were slapped by a woman? Do you not think that the wife might see that as weakness and begin slapping him?

But it's not a matter of a woman slapping a man, it's a matter of law and order and decorum. After all, these are our lawmakers who are breaking the law. They are supposed to be the moral leaders of our society, the vanguard of our democratic ideals, the very ones who should be upholding the law, not breaking it.

I believe that the Senate and the House should take drastic measures to discourage this kind of reckless behavior. Any man who slaps a woman does not have the moral rectitude to be a senator in the federal republic of Nigeria. Any man who slaps a woman should be disbarred from the esteemed association of gentlemanliness. Such a crude and crass behavior is a reflection of poor upbringing and the obvious absence of a canning deposition.

I agree, but sometimes, the woman will kill you with their mouth. Sometimes, the urge is irresistible.

It does not matter, that is why God gave you a mouth as well. You can dish it back in words, but never resort to violence. This is something Nigerian men must learn. Some of them think that their wives are there for the punching pleasure. It's a shame and reflects the deep moral morass.

It seems that the Federal Government just two weeks ago accused Achebe of slapping the nation for refusing the national honor bestowed on him.

Yes, Achebe is right to have refused that honor. The FG has been slapping his people for years and you want him to go and dine with the enemy? I think he did the right thing.

But don't you think that the man should have been able to decipher politics from the true spirit of the award? In a short while, you are the same Nigerians who will come and accuse the federal government for not recognizing those who have contributed to the development of our country. It's a no-win situation for the government, it seems.

Should they bury him in Jerusalem?

Who? Jesus?

No, Arafat.

What do you mean by that? Do you bury a living man?

The man passed away just yesterday. Where have you been? You need to stop chasing those young girls and pay attention to the news.

Is that so? Then they must have poisoned him.

Who poisoned him?

I am not sure, but someone who did not like his politics. Did you not see what happened to Abacha and Abiola?

What happened to them besides the fact that they are both guests of someone in yonder-land?

Well, they said that Abacha ate apples from Indian prostitutes he imported from India to service him and Abiola was served tea. They both went right away.

How about Gen. Tunde Idiagbon, was he poisoned as well?

I will not doubt that for a minute. Did he not die immediately after he returned from Abuja from a meeting with Obasanjo and co just before he took over in 1999? The rumor was that he was tipped for the position of either defense or the Chairman of the Reconciliation panel which we now know as Oputa panel.

So?

Someone got scared and got rid of him before he could expose him. You know he had a reputation for honesty and strictness.

You have come again with your far-fetched conspiracy theory. Abeg, go and sit down.

Will there be a President Okoro in 2007?

Hmm, you are funny.

Why, do you not think that the Igbos will have their act together and present a formidable candidate? Hasn't that guy, the Abia State governor, Kalu Orji, been parading himself as a viable candidate?

I don't think so from all I am seeing. I bet you that the presidency will swing back to the north in 2007. I am not sure if the Igbos will rule this country for sometime to come, especially, in this country that is so open to electoral fraud.

As it was in the US?

Yes, but this time I think that Bush beat Kerry decisively. There could not have been any arguments on that. Even Kerry conceded sooner than the cock crowed in the morning. He knew that he had not case in spite of the ten thousand lawyers he had in place to contest the elections in case a Florida-like fiasco occurred again.

Hmm, but Nigerians and in fact the world community preferred Kerry to Bush.

You should know that when you are son of a former president, CIA director, Ambassador to China and Congressman, you have nothing to worry about.

So should we expect a President Gbenga Obasanjo?

Who is he?

He is the son of Oba.