FEATURE ARTICLE

Tonye David-West, Jr., Ph.D
[email protected]
Political Scientist
USA

NAIJA ROONEY COMMENTARY
In the land of Title-geria!

ince my trip to Nigeria, oops, I meant to say, Title-geria, I have found that the fastest way to exit this world is to address a titled Nigerian as "Mister". Upon realization of such a mistake, the unfortunate person ought to quickly write his will, fall on his knees and say his last prayers to face the end which may come through a nasty slap to the face, a brutal kick to the groan or a ruthless tackle to the hard floor. Let's not overlook the "babalawo" [medicine man] option. Nigerians hold their titles whether earned or not [that is another matter] very dear to their hearts. If some have to make a choice between their title and their family, their title would get the preference without a second thought. It has become the currency with which the comforts of life are attained. Since I love living and by no means ready to say that last prayer, I have decided to address every new Nigerian I meet as "Dr." until told otherwise. One thing is for sure, with Nigerians, I can never go wrong with such an assumption.

Coming to think of it, has anyone met or heard of an Arab, American, or Brazilian Moslem who has been to Mecca on a full hajj call himself "Alhaji"? In all of my existence and travels around the world, I have never met an Arab Moslem who has been to the full hajj call himself "Alhaji" neither have I met an American Muslim call himself "Alhaji LA-shawn Kanyon Jackson" or whatever. In spite of their many trips to that holy land, that title continues to be absent as a prefix to their names. Why then is it that it's only our Nigerian brothers and sisters who are all too happy to assume that title? It would make sense given our penchant for titles as expressed through our movies and in reality as well.

At a recent lecture at the Nigerian Institute of International Affairs, Lagos, I made the grave mistake of calling a Nigerian "Mr." when indeed he was an engineer who had not attained a terminal degree in his field. As I tried to get his attention by calling him "Mr. ...�, he turned around with such fury that I saw my life passed through my very eyes. Had I killed one of his children, he wouldn't have been anymore furious with yours truly. "Whom are you addressing as Mister?" he queried as he fumed all over the place. I immediately apologized and called him "Dr. ...," as I assumed that he was a Ph.D given his fierce reaction. "No," he said, "I am engineer .... and this is my wife, Psychologist ...." My goodness, has it come to that? Has it come to a point where we must all assume a title based on our professions and the different stages we are in life? Perhaps, we should call our children "Teenager Peter, Baby Paul, School Girl Mary, Bed-wetter Bola" and so forth until at such a time when they attain academic, religious or traditional titles and then we can switch and address them as such. What has gotten into Nigerians and why this craze for titles?

You see, it all ties in perfectly into our society which for the most part is one of greed, avarice and self-aggrandizement. Everybody wants everything at the same time. No one wants to be left out. They are seeing these titles as a means of advancement and of achieving societal status which brings comfort and privilege. This mindset is well ingrained in our society, one that I am afraid is less pronounced in other societies. The Nigerian is not an African, he has a continent all to himself, shall we say an "Owembe" continent where he rules, parties and shows off his wealth at will. Just see the big houses we build, the big German cars we drive, our expensive wardrobes, our big claims, etc. We have perfected the game of arrogance and peacock-ism. We want it all wherever we are. I just love my naija people.

No wonder our former House speaker Salusi Buhari claimed that he went to University of Toronto and Bola Ahmed Tinubu, Lagos state governor, claimed he is a graduate of The University of Chicago. Of course, they had to pick the best of the best, Toronto and Chicago, two outstanding institutions. They wanted the respect of other Nigerians whenever they announced that they are graduates of these famous universities. Did you notice that they did not pick community colleges nor half-baked universities in the US and Canada, they went for the big time schools. That is us, Nigerians. Perhaps, if they had claimed that they went to one of those half-baked universities, no one would have probed, maybe, they would not have been exposed.

I was filled with laughter while flying from Lagos to Port Harcourt on Chanchingi Airlines recently where a man was addressed as "mister" by another passenger in line who was trying to get his attention. Upon noticing that he was being addressed as "mister", the man put his briefcase on the ground, assumed a fighting posture and cautioned the other passenger, "Do you know whom you are calling mister? Have you not heard of barrister [he called his name] from Port-Harcourt?" Good grief. Barrister "geni"? Why couldn't he politely answer to the poor man who was just trying to tell him that he had dropped his hat which was attached to his briefcase?

Nigerians and titles, it's in our blood, our psyche, our way of life, the medium with which fame and fortune are acquired. The Nigerian child was born with title. At birth, the parents say, "chei, see this small village chief OOO" while admiring the new baby." Or they would say, "chei, this my bomboy go be doctor OO." Or they would say, "this my baby girl ebi like say she go be engineer O." That is where it all starts and then before they even step foot into a classroom, they are doctors, chiefs and astronauts. So when the child finally grows up and does not become a doctor, chief or astronaut, it would be very difficult to detach that title from him. No wonder we see truck pushers in Nigeria writing on their trucks "Dr. Godspower Trucking Business" or Okada drivers advertising themselves as "Engineer Fine-Driver Okada Services."

Get off it, Title-gerians!

Join me next time for another edition of Naija Rooney Commentary. Until then, this is your very host, tdw, Jr., signing off and saying, so long my fellow compatriots.