FROM THE PREACHER'S LENSES

Sam AwedaTuesday, September 29, 2009
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QUESTION OF DIVORCE & RE-MARRYING---PART 2

Scenarios that can lead to Divorce

e have in the first part discussed some scenarios that can lead to divorce, which are:


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i. Unfaithfulness

ii. Where one partner is a believer and the other is not and the unbeliever decides to quit.

iii. Where both were unbelievers and one partner afterwards becomes a Christian and the unbeliever decides to quit.

Today, we look further into other family problems that often lead to divorce. The scenarios may be endless but we will just address two.

  1. Working far away from each other.

  2. Constant physical abuse of one partner or the other.

i. Working far away from each other.

While it is seriously encouraged that a couple should work within the same vicinity all the time, it has become increasingly impossible to do especially for people of poor economic countries including Nigeria.

However, if they must work outside the quick reach of each other, it must be well discussed. The advantages and the disadvantages including the risk involved must be weighed. They must be honest with each other as to their strength to cope. Hear what Paul said to the Corinthian Church in 1Cor 7:

The husband should fulfill his wife's sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband's needs. 5 Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won't be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Other than the problem of sexual need, companionship, which is the major reason why God gave the woman to the man, will be missing should they work and live apart. Only the couples who live apart can understand the meaning of loneliness. Only the children who do not have their mother or father or both with them all the time can understand it.

There is a dilemma here however. Even where a couple realizes the difficulty involved living in celibacy should they live apart, where the means to meet the family needs is absent, can constantly lead to friction and irritation of each other in the house and the environment conducive for conjugation may even not often be present. Therefore all these must be balanced prayerfully with careful thoughts.

There is no gainsaying, separation of couples have led to suspicion, temptation, which eventually lead to unfaithfulness and finally leading to break-up on many occasions. So every effort ought to be made to prevent living apart.

However, in these days of economic hardship, where there is the will, understanding and determination coupled with the enabling grace of God, couples can decide to work outside the vicinity of each other and still maintain their chastity. I can confirm this. I feel for people of the 3rd world who experience this much though, including me.

I live amidst South Asians who visit their families once in 3 years. They have a 3month long vacation once in 3 years and they haven't returned to complain of infidelity on the part of their wives. No one should get me wrong, I do not advocate it; it is a frustrating experience. I am only reporting what I witness. So each particular case should be assessed on its merit and Church elders cannot stay aloof without talking to couples in such situations.

I also know a couple who have had less than 2 years of married life together when the husband got a job outside the country. In the last 13 years He returns to his family once a year for a period of about 40 days on each occassion. This is part of the terrible injury, which the irresponsibility of our Political leaders has inflicted on us

But where the economy is not an issue and the wife nor the child has no health condition, which warrants medical care, which is not available where the husband lives and the wife willfully refuses to move to her husband against the husband's wishes and the Church elders cannot make the recalcitrant wife to see reason, I want to think that such a wife has written her divorce paper and the husband may be free from their marriage covenant.

I have seen a situation where the husband said he was returning home and the wife insisted she was not materially prepared with gifts to give to relatives back home and she remained abroad. Unfortunately by the time she eventually returned, she found another woman in the house. This is not to say that the action of the husband was right but to highlight the importance of proper agreement and to avoid by all means situations that can lead to temptations.

A newly wedded young sister about 10 years ago wrote me. She was having a good and promising career in Nigeria but her husband had no stable job. Opportunity afterwards opened for him to travel overseas. This situation was full of uncertainties and certainly not as sure as the wife's. She sought my advice.

My first counsel was "Living apart is not an option". Their marriage was too young to live apart. My further advice was for her to critically assess herself as to her ability and willingness to be submissive to her husband even where she is the major bread winner. If she can still be submissive and not become arrogant, I suggested that she should plead with her husband and reassure him of her willingness to be submissive to him and not to let them forgo certainty for uncertainty. I did not fail to point it to her that where she has the higher income; on occasions, her behaviour can be misinterpreted as being arrogant when really it is not. She understood my counsel, resigned her bank work and off they flew away. I am sure some un-regenerated mind will call the young woman "Ode (Stupid woman) Ruth aba oko ku" (another Biblical Ruth who will die with the husband)

Able parents must help young couples to stabilize their marriage. An open testimony of the former Vice Chancellor of University of Ilorin, Professor A. F. Ogunsola remains fresh in my memory. Papa said in the Church while preaching that he makes sure that none of his children leaves his or her spouse behind while travelling overseas for further studies. That is the attribute of a godly parent who ensures the spirit of family value in the children.

ii. Constant Physical Abuse of one Partner or the other

While it is possible for a couple to engage each other physically once in a life time when the devil has his way, it becomes something of a concern where a man is in the constant habit of physically abusing his wife. It equally becomes something of a concern where a wife has the penchant for violence. A wife had at a time chopped off her husband genital while sleeping. Recently, a wife had poured steaming water on the pelvis of her husband. When violence, which has the capability of leading to serious injury or loss of life, becomes constant, I think the Church elders must wave in, study the situation and prayerfully make useful suggestions to such couples.

I have had to counsel a woman to return her husband to his parents instead of killing him. She had complained bitterly against her husband and was threatening to end his life. The husband according to her was lazy, won't go to work and did not provide for the family. She might not need him again but his parents would.

Lastly, Jeremiah has this to say about the heart of man (Jer. 17: 9-10):

9 "The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is? 10 But I, the LORD, search all hearts and examine secret motives"

Solomon also has this to say about it in Eccl. 9: 3 (KJV)

"Yea, also the heart of the sons of men is full of evil, and madness is in their heart while they live-----"

We have seen situations where a man was already having his eyes on another woman and he starts to maltreat his wife so that the wife can pack out to enable him have an excuse to bring in another. This kind of situation should not be found in a Christian and the reason why I had quoted what the Bible says about the heart of man as a prelude to this area of discussion. Where such a case can be established and the intransigent husband fails to heed the counsel of the Church elders, I do not think that the wife should wait for her body to be deposited into the mortuary before she takes to her heel. The husband has written her the divorce certificate; she is free from the marriage vow.

If eventually the intransigent husband re-discovers himself and by the time he does, the previous wife has re-coupled, I am not sure if he can remarry again; he has to remain single for life. He is paying for his unrighteous action.

How then can we prevent remarrying?

To prevent the temptation of remarrying, every effort must be made to prevent divorce because once divorced, the window of opportunity to remarry is small. This discussion comes next.

Continued from Part 1

Sam Aweda is President & Snr. Pastor, Jesus for the World Revival Mission

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