wrote on this subject about six years ago, when I responded to an article written by Dr. David-West who was a regular writer for Nigeriaworld.com, I used that article to share what I found out and then put in a book. Six years later, I have spoken on this topic in Europe, Australia, Africa, and in America, I have also grown older and (hopefully) wiser having met with many couples that are dealing with many of the issues highlighted in the book.
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As I wondered what to write next, I really felt a burden to write an update on the issue again especially because it is still a paramount topic as I relate to Africans in the Diaspora and since the last article many African folks have crossed the ocean to make western countries home. I was also very encouraged when I shared a version of the subject �African marriages vs. Biblical principles� with over 4000 pastors in Ouagadougou BF early this year.
Cultures are the way of life of a group of people, one thing we know about culture is that it changes with time or from one generation to another. The modern wireless technology has dramatically changed how we communicate in Africa, just like technology in agriculture transformed the last generation. The Africans in my grandfather�s generation married many wives (including church folks/leaders), that culture changed in my dad�s generation (many of my dad�s generation choose to have girlfriends all over town instead of wives at home), while folks in my generation struggle with one wife and many are running from marriage, period.
Cultural view or practices on marriage varies from one region of the world to another, for instance marriage is a family affair in most African and Asian countries while it is an individual (between two people) thing in most western countries, while most African countries pay bride price, the concept and meaning are different, west Africans go for a one time gift while east Africans prefer pride prices that would last a lifetime. In India they pay dowry, where the family of the woman pay the family of the man to be married. Culture or cultural practices could be very good or it could be very bad, depending on who benefits (or losses) or as a Christian depending on if and when it conflicts with biblical written principles.
An average African today is influenced by two major nurturing issues, religion and prevalent culture. Africans have always been religious way before Christianity and Islam, both are relatively new to Africa, what we had was African Traditional Religion (ATR) or Voodoo or Animism (depending on who wants to identify us). Animism believes there is a big God that cannot be approached directly, rather we are to go to him through subsidiaries, it believes that �spiritually powerful� humans can be a subsidiary either alive or after their death, and it believes every occurrence on earth has a spiritual tone (excluding humans of responsibility for �disobedient� actions) meaning the concept of Karma and re-incarnation.
As we accepted Christianity and Islam, we brought many of the attributes of Animism (or ATR) to our new faith and life, for instance many people go to church in Africa not because of God (worship � add worth to) but because they are running away from the devil, it is easy for an African Christian to worship (different from honor) the leader of their church because subconsciously leadership become the intermediary gods, unfortunately many church leader cherish the worship and do nothing about it. We often attribute our negative situations to devil�s �handiwork� while not taking responsibility for disobedience, un-forgiveness etc.
Like in most culture, religion plays a huge role in the culture. African culture includes many ceremonies to the myriads of our intermediary gods (just think Osun Oshogbo festival often labeled as Yoruba culture - not). A.T.R. or animism recognized polygamy and the believe that men are superior being to women, perhaps the bride price contributed to this belief. Our patriarchal society along with polygamy fostered a great extended family structure where wives and kids grow up in the same compound; wives were selected for young men and daughters given away as token of friendships. The mother of the man became the de-facto leader of the son�s home, while an aggressive father was the god, a good daughter-in-law was one that did what the mother-in-law wanted and son�s who challenged the status-quo structure must have ingested love portion provided by the daughter-in-law.
Pentecostal Christianity in Africa first came with the Welsch revival in Wales in 1905, the missionaries that came to Africa trained Africans and denominations like The Apostolic Church, Christ Apostolic Church, Gospel Faith Mission etc sprung up and they taught being born-again (�atunbi�) compared to the old Pentecostal like Baptist, Methodist, Anglican whose doctrine had been diluted with polygamy (imagine all the �Baba Ijos� in your village), etc. As the new breed (the apostolic) started to become infested by man-made doctrines, a new wave of Pentecostals started among university students, often called �SU (scripture union)� and later the American faith movement. Today one can tell those who were disciple under SU (particularly a Pa Elton) and those trained by the faith (prosperity) movement brought by the Americans, either way the growth of Christianity was exponential, from 10 million people in 1900 to 400 million in 2000 (source: WATS). In all the cases, traces of animism and prevalent culture keep surfacing, and keep challenging biblical truths.
With biblical principles of husband and wife becoming one (Genesis 2, Matthew 19 and Ephesians 5), it is not uncommon today among leaders of the body of Christ in Africa to have properties not known to their wives (forget joint account), it is not uncommon to have wives been physically abused and such habits defended in the name of headship of the man, it is not uncommon for women to do their own things (like build a house) without the man�s knowledge. Since women are supposed to be seen and not heard, many wives (including �Iya Ijos� and deaconesses) are suffering and have learnt to either mask their suffering or deal with it in ungodly ways.
The unholy mixture of animism, culture and diluted Christianity has now produced what we have in many parts of Africa today. Unfortunately, many of the unwritten codes are now being challenged because the culture never thought girls would be educated nor would they one day earn more than their husbands. The global village enhanced by wireless technology is also liberating the women and many are adopting the false (ungodly) concepts of liberalism in western countries and challenging the headship principle taught by the bible (it is now a case of throwing the baby away with the birth water). Women my mother�s age are caught between two generation, an over bearing mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law rebelling against existing culture, especially since daughter�s in-law now make her own money or make more than her husband. However, to a very large extent, the culture in Africa still accommodates the status quo, in-spite of clear biblical teaching to the contrary.
For the Africans that has transitioned to a western country (many for economic reasons), there is no room for accommodating the African concept because there are laws in western countries that hinders its acceptance. Western countries also challenge faith on many levels, especially the headship of men in the institution of marriage. An African man, who earns more back home, who never visited the family kitchen (saw it as a woman�s territory) and would once in a while slap his wife (when she gets out of line), is now left helpless because the first time he slaps her or shoves her around, she calls the police (911), she earns more and his way of dealing with it, is to use bone-face (�ogboju�) to assert his leadership. The freedom and lopsided nature of western judiciary system toward women now embolden the African woman to challenge biblical teachings as �too patriarchal� and many are adopting (or echoing) the �ungodly� liberal western cultures.
The newly arrived African couple to western cultures has the mindset and beliefs of where they are coming from. If the man earn more and continue to take care of the family financially in the new environment life goes on, but if she now earn more (or comparably), she starts to demand he joins her in the kitchen or be part of getting the kids ready for school, do homework or take them around for the gazillion activities. As they attend church or are visited by their western neighbors the woman start to desire (hormonal) the public affection or romance her western friends get from their husbands, the African man dismisses such entreaties as western culture that lacks strong moral values.
As it is in the culture back home, they seek the help of elders in the community, who also come from the mixture (A.T.R/Culture/Christianity) mindset, the elder out-rightly dismisses seeking the help of a therapist and showing public affection as abomination, but simply encourages the couple to pray and not to embarrass God by divorcing (without dealing with the problem on hand).
Every culture has its great attributes and it�s not so great attributes, personally the test of greatness is not based on any human standard but on biblical values and principles, so Western, African, Asian, Latin American cultures is paralleled with God�s word. In the bible Saul Esq. was religious and protects Jewish culture, until he had a revelation of the truth, even Apostle Peter was caught in the culture vs. truth deal and had to be publicly challenged by Apostle Paul (and at another time in a dream). So regardless of where Africans live, in Africa or Western nations, the principles that govern their relationships should be based on biblical principles. If Africans who profess Christianity believe the above statement, then the issue becomes knowing biblical truth about our relationships and then the grace to do it, not what does the culture say?
Another big marriage issue as Africans is the role of the man vs. the role of the woman. The existing culture believes the man is a superior creation, and his role is simply to take care of his family, simply interpreted bring money home, so the care of the home physically, survival of the children beyond school fees fall on the woman (in many cases the money brought home by the man is never enough). In Africa, many middle class families are able to afford a house help and drivers for the family (or official) cars, these helps gives a lot of lee-way for the woman. Unfortunately, things change when the same middle class Africans emigrate to a western country, the helps disappear, in some cases the woman make more and now demands the man do some of the housework, supposedly the roles are now turned on its head.
When we study the bible, it becomes very clear that the man�s headship has nothing to do with being superior or the woman being inferior, in-fact the bible clearly states that �there no Jew nor gentile, male nor female..before God�. Headship is a leader among equal, it has nothing to do with who makes the most money, who does housework or does homework with the kids. In the bible we also find clear instructions about a new couple separating themselves from where they are coming from and being glued to their new partner (tough but necessary process), unfortunately this instruction is being violated by African culture and by those it favors. Most men are not able to stand with the bible in hand and calmly explain what they believe to their parents, I have also found that some women want this biblical instruction for their in-laws but it should not affect their own parents who often influence the new home as well (especially if they are rich or aggressive).
The bible is full of romantic languages between God and His people, and between Christ and the church, there are endearing languages in books like Song of Solomon and in serious (prophetic) books like Jeremiah, yet African culture frowns on public show of affection to one�s spouse. A man who does it is often seen as a weakling and a woman who shows public affection is called �Ruth�, so the question is why? The only clear reason is probably the polygamy structure which was very common just 2-3 decades ago, which set wives against each other if their husband shows preference to one of them over the rest. Our culture also did not put into account biological and physiological make-up of a woman, such as her desire for her mate (hopefully husband) during ovulation? As a Christian raised in Africa, it has taken me time (even after realizing that it is not a sin to show public affection) to warm up to holding Ola in public, especially if done in moderation and not smooching like teenagers.
Another one of the issue we deal with is spiritual influence in our marriages, because of A.T.R. influence and the hybrid Christianity we practice, the devil seem to get the blame for everything done wrong in our relationships (not our disobedience to God�s instruction), it is the devil that makes us commit adultery, it is the devil that make us yell at or physically abuse our spouse, etc attributing powers to the devil that he does not possess. This attitude also permeate every aspect of our lives, in most African countries, events that kills the devil, the sets free (without knowledge) from bondage, healing from witchcraft etc are often packed but workshops that teaches or gives biblical instructions are ignored. As African couples cross the river, we bring this same attitude with us. As someone who speaks on marriage in many churches, I know it is a real big deal to get members to participate in activities that enrich or educate their marriages (until they have serious problems).
Again, this article is not about condemning our culture, but to say wherever any culture (African or Western) contradicts written biblical instructions, the choice should be clear for those of us who profess Christ. We either believe Christ (and His words) or ignore Him, enough of hypocrisy in the name of culture.
Lord, bring revival in our homes and let it begin in mine.
If you are interested in the book �Peculiar Conflict: African Marriages in Western Cultures� visit: http://www.amazon.com/Peculiar-Conflicts-William-Femi-Awodele/dp/1591604486/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1290453063&sr=8-3
Remain Blessed
