he first years of marriage are lots of fun (except if you cohabited or shacked up before), statistically the fun or emotional high soon wean out and the process of meshing or two becoming one starts. The Bible (1 Corinthians 7: 28b) and every sociological study point to various reasons for the weaning. In America, the highest divorce rate occurs in the first seven years of marriage (the next rate occurs between 20 – 24 years of marriage), however the problems really start by years one or two, but people stay in to see if they can work things out (or change their spouse) and then half (1 of 2) finally give in.

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The only “uncompromisable” instruction as far as the bible is concerned is “not marrying an unbeliever” (the definition of a believer is loaded but not the topic today). Every other issues relating to whom we should marry is very subjective, such as attraction, compatibility, cultural etc. When we put two people together with different variables such as personalities, family of origin issues, past experiences (hidden or open) etc, it is no wonder then that Apostle Paul said “those who marry will have problems” and studies show that many in America do not last beyond the first seven years and many, in cultures that frown on divorce are suffering in silence.

Surviving the first years starts before the wedding ceremony. As soon as you both know you want to get married and before a date is set, agree to a Pre-Marriage education (not counseling). Counseling is when you meet with a pastor for a couple of sessions and you just talk randomly (Ola and I did not even have that, we went through a workbook she brought from America a day before we got married). Pre-Marriage education involves both objective and subjective materials and meeting with your pastor or a mature (spiritually) couple over a period of time. There are at least 9 states in America that have a pre-marriage education law, if your state does not have it, make it mandatory for your church or for yourself before marriage.

Here are my recommendations:

Analytical Materials (Google/Bing for more info):

• Taylor-John Temperament Analysis (need a licensed therapist to administer)

• Prepare/Enrich (need to be licensed)

• FOCCUS (captures couples view of marriage topics empirically)

• Family History Analysis

Workbook:

• So you’re getting married (his/hers) – Dr. Norman Wright

• Before you say I do – Drs N Wright/W Roberts

Critical Topics to cover:

• Financial Management (budgeting)

• Conflict and conflict resolution

• Parenting (discuss how many kids you intend to have)

• Sex in marriage

• Setting a family vision (5, 10 and 25 years vision)

• Cultural influences (If an African born or raised in America marries an African born or raised in African, this is a different culture)

Recommended books:

• Five Love languages – Dr. Gary Chapman

• Finance (budgeting) – books by Crown Financial or Dave Ramsey

• Peculiar Conflicts: African Marriages in Western Cultures – Femi Awodele (for Africans in Diaspora)

• The Pre-Marital Counseling Handbook – Dr. Norman Wright (for Pastors and leaders)

Reading the recommended books and doing all of the above would not prevent conflicts in your new marriage, but it will help prepare and equip you on what to do, what you are doing by reading is seeking knowledge, the application of knowledge which is called wisdom is now left to both of you.

Every study point to a romantic (lovy dovy) love period, the scholars at Rutgers Family institute would argue that those who cohabit would probably not have this period. This period is characterized with emotional high when both are blind (ignore) to each other’s character flaws and don’t want to hear suggestions of adversity about each other, however, this period would soon naturally come to an end. It does not mean you are no longer in love but that the emotional high is no longer sustainable and “Agape – unconditional” kicks in.

There are some issues that would always make the blending process in the first years of marriage very difficult, such as understanding each other’s personality, understanding each other’s family of origin dynamics, and understanding each other’s cultural differences.

Understanding each other’s personality

There are so many materials out there that help employers or counselors understand the personality of a prospective employee or help a counselor know how to navigate a marriage session, like anything scientific, this analysis are not always 100%, but in my opinion they are very close. I personally find T-JTA to be the most accurate (even though it requires a licensed therapist for your church to use - http://www.tjta.com/abouttjta.htm ). Apart from the complicated explanation of human personality by Dr. Smalley (sanguine, melancholy etc), I find the marriage menders explanation simple enough for my brain, Aggressive, Passive-Aggressive and Passive (read Marriage Menders – Drs Whiteman and Bartlett for more details).

It is not only important that you know each other’s personality, but that you understand it. It is important to also know that you cannot change it and attempting to do so like many couples, is a path to marital frustration. What I have discovered works, when I figured out my wife personality, was changing my expectations and even though I still hate certain things, those things no longer get on my nerve because I attribute them to her nature (just like my own unpleasant habits).

I have discovered that aggressive people yell and make a lot of noise to intimidate and get what they want, however when a spouse can stay through the noise making and still stick to his/her gun, they are actually harmless. Passive-Aggressive people (like me) are interesting folks; we hate confrontation and noise but fight guerilla warfare to get our points and feeling across in a non-verbal way. Passive people on the other hand don’t have any opinion or just follow the aggressive person, the only problem is they are super-procrastinator, they’ll do everything later. When they eventually fight back, things get really bad.

Any attempt to make an aggressive person to make less noise, or to make a passive-aggressive person respond tough (like Ola wants me to, she hates my diplomatic approach) or to change a passive person from procrastinating by the other spouse is a frustrating effort, only the Holy Spirit can effectively make such change in a “willing” human being.

Understanding each other’s family of origin

There are different dynamics regarding family of origin issues. Some families are very close to each other that it could create a boundary problem after marriage especially in the first years, while other families are so loosely related that a husband or wife have no support system or feel alone at trouble times.

I have discovered that different things are important in different homes, for instance – as much as I’m a clean freak, I have not done a good job with my kids because my priorities are relationship with God and their education, whether you agree with me or not, I’ll rather discuss a biblical principle or have them practice their instrument than for them to clean their room, worst still I clean it when I get tired of the junk and they know it (Ola hates it when I do that). I have over the years articulated the differences in the dynamics of Ola’s family and mine (very different). Bottom-line, trying to make an untidy (or dirty) spouse into Mr. or Ms. Clean is a road you don’t want to go on – very bumpy.

Another dynamic especially for Africans in Diaspora is marrying someone from Africa, the storyline is actually different if it is a guy that comes from Africa or if it is a girl. Africans view the job description of a man and woman differently from western countries, so if someone who has lived in America or Europe for at least a decade married someone from Africa, there will be issues. I know because I was that guy fresh from Africa, who had his ego bruised a few times by his bride who has spent more time in a western country. Today, we’ve (Ola and I) both defined our own respect and love, not from a cultural standpoint from a biblical standpoint to the best of our ability.

Understanding each other’s culture

The cultures in families are different, even if they are Christians; some spend holidays together others want to be alone. This could be a problem if one party assume that thanksgiving would be spent at my parents because that’s what we’ve always done or the husband assume that my wife should deal with my mom the way my sisters did.

Culture is also geography, if you are married to someone who comes from a different neck of the wood from you; expect differences even if you are both Christians. A Yoruba guy marrying an Igbo lady or an African marrying a Westerner (either way) needs to understand each other’s cultures, not to change it, but to understand it and then work out how best to compromise the differences in your own marriage.

All these problems (personality, family of origin, culture etc) come to bear almost at the same time on newlyweds and it could really be overwhelming, many might even think they made the wrong choice and depending on the support system the husband or wife gets, things could go really bad very fast or get better. Parents, of newlyweds need to understand the above as well and do their best not to be the ones negatively influencing their son or daughter’s new marriage, I have shared this before and would repeat it, as parents do your best to be neutral (except in cases of physical abuse) but refer the kids to pastoral or professional help, while you pray. I’m not a parent to a married child, but I’m a brother to married sisters and I know how I feel when I believe any of my sisters is getting a wrong deal.

In conclusion, I will highlight some suggestions for surviving your first years based on the problems highlighted above:

1. Make Pre-Marriage Education A MUST before marriage

2. Make COMMUNICATION a priority (learn communication skills), don’t give in to the temptation to clamp down

3. Have ACCOUNTABILITY (preferably older mature couples that you both hang with or with a group of friends of similar age and stage in life)

4. Make marriage EDUCATION a priority – attend seminars/conferences (don’t wait till problem surfaces)

5. Never seek to CHANGE your spouse, learn to understand him/her, clearly articulate what you feel when he/she behave or do what you dislike (leave the Changing to his or her discretion and Holy Spirit conviction).

6. Make the Bible or Biblical principles the final arbiter for any disagreement (if you have different interpretation, seek a respected third party opinion)

7. Take 100% RESPONSIBILITY for your part of the problem, and not spend time pointing fingers at your husband/wife’s part of the problem.

8. Pray for God’s wisdom on how and when to COMPROMISE.

Thanks and Remain Blessed

William Femi Awodele is the Executive Director of Christian Couples Fellowship International, Inc. Omaha Nebraska and a board member of Nebraska Family Council, Lincoln, Nebraska.