fter creating the first man and woman, God said the two humans would become one, Jesus went further and said what God has made one, no human should separate, Apostle Paul called that oneness a mystery. This oneness has been compared to the one that exist between Christ and the Church.

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Intimacy is very important for the growth of any relationship, for us to have intimacy with Christ, we need to spend time reading His words and time in prayer (from my personal experience, anytime my prayer life takes a back seat to being busy or tired, I know something is missing). To be intimate with your spouse you need to spend time with him/her. What makes people I call friends now, my friend is because we have invested time in cultivating the relationship, many for decades and some for few years.

>From the many materials I have read (especially Christian based), intimacy with one's spouse is on five different levels, all the levels of intimacies are important for the growth of the relationship and each level brings something unique to the relationship.

Spiritual Intimacy

As humans we are tripartite in nature (spirit, soul and body), many in our society today choose to disregard the spirituality in anything (that would mean accepting that God exist), they'll rather attribute whatever is going on to themselves or "Karma". The truth is we are spiritual being, and feeding the spirit person of our being is very important to our overall growth and intimacy in our relationship.

Many studies have been done on the importance of spirituality, that it is important to raising good children, that it teaches morals and basic principles, that spirituality affect one's health positively, and the list goes on. In a marriage spiritual intimacy is when the husband and wife spend time together doing spiritual things such as reading the Bible (or whatever holy book your faith have), discussing biblical principles as it relates to life application - for instance discussing some of the home improvement series articles (especially as different issues occur in the home), and spending time praying together.

The enemy (the devil) realizes the importance of spiritual intimacy in a home, so a lot of energy is spent by demons making sure that as a couple we don't become intimate on this level, because intimacy on this level as a couple makes the other intimacies flow seamlessly. My suggestion is for the husband and wife to belong to separate bible study groups or do their studying seperately and then meet together to share their thoughts. It is not a time to lecture your spouse (except they ask what your opinion is). Attend church together and being part of a cell or small group would be perfect. Spend time in prayer together at least once a day, either in bed (in the morning or at night) or while speaking during the day. Ola and I have also developed some interesting ways of praying together, after every delivery (baby) she does and on the honorarium (or other income) I bring home after a conference.

Never condemn yourself when you miss a routine, just pick things up again and keep trying, it is important that studying and praying should be part of both your lives, regardless of the frequency.

Intellectual Intimacy

I wrote an article about a year ago on the difference between Intelligent, Knowledge and wisdom. I said intelligent is basic IQ, knowledge is when we seek information and wisdom is the application of knowledge. Intelligence is primarily genetic and to some extent environment (having two kids and growing up as # 3 of seven, I know that), however I've also discovered that while someone might be mathematically sharp, another would be a genius with words, so everyone has some level of intelligent and in some cases the intelligence has to be developed (I don't know one kid that like homework - even the nerds).

Unfortunately in some marriages, some husbands (few wives) look down at their spouse because that person is not as intelligent as they are, I have heard comments like - "she's not that smart", "he won't understand - it takes time for him to get it", I know one or two husbands who would not discuss intellectually with their spouses because they think these degree holder wives cant carry out intelligent conversation because they did liberal art in college.

Intellectual intimacy helps shape your spouses self-esteem and their outlook in life. Dr. Laura Schlesinger is a lightning rod of intellectual intimacy in my marriage, my wife like her and I think her she is rude and off the deep in some cases (our difference is more on our faith Judaism and Christianity - especially on divorce), so when we are in the car (that is the only place I'm confined to listen) and Dr. Laura is on, Ola ask for my own opinion on her every case. I have also often written in this forum about homework in our home, not being mathematically inclined, Ola deals with Geometry with our 12 year old, while I take care of the other life details.

Learning medical lingo's (especially about delivering a baby) has really helped our intellectual intimacy - lingo's such as "is she fully dilated", "she is a G4" etc. Couple of months ago, my family was invited for a naming ceremony, and my wife had a baby to deliver, so she called and gave me the status of the mother and told me to go ahead to the event without her, unknown to me my 7 year old heard our conversation. When we got to the event and people were asking for his mom, he replied everyone with this line "she went to break somebody's water".

Social Intimacy

Many of us are so busy with everyday existence that we don't take the time out just to relax and have fun with each other; many even feel guilty for relaxing. As I write this article I'm imagining the typical day in the life of the Awodeles (mine) and the honest truth is that, our time together (apart from scheduled ones) is limited to anywhere from 9.00pm on weekdays and 11.00pm on weekends when the big guy goes to bed, in most cases I'm ready for bed myself.

Social intimacy is something we have to deliberately schedule especially those of us in western countries, knowing the pace of life (soccer, ballet, recital, church, meetings etc) we exist in. Social intimacy facilitate avenue to dream about each other's future and that of the children's, it also allows for things to be done pro-actively since you've discussed it in a non-threatening atmosphere.

A friend recently asked what I want for introducing a client to her organization, and I quickly told her "a weekend away with my wife", we have the ticket to a great city 3 hours away from our city but we've not been able to schedule the weekend. Going for social function together is also good, as long as it is not unhealthy or counter-productive such as going to a bar for alcohol or "owambe" parties that last through the night.

Please note that social activities with the kids like their soccer games, dance etc might count some (I find kids soccer to be a stress buster, however not when I'm the coach), but going for social function together is priceless.

Emotional Intimacy

This could be a tough one but it is very necessary for any marriage to grow. Numerous scientific and biological evidences (and the Bible - thousands of years ago) point to the fact that men and women are different, in skeletal structure, in predominant hormones that influence them, in use-age and connection of the brain, in amount of red cells and numerous other differences.

All the differences combined point toward a fact that is now the butt of jokes at marriage conferences, that women are emotional and men are physical or analytical in nature. The simple definition of emotional intimacy is the difference between "sympathy" and "empathy". Sympathy is when you feel sorry for someone without really feeling the pain, while empathy is when you put yourself in that person's shoes and you not only feel the pain but understands it. I'm a mentor to a young man (now in college) being raised by a single mom, I noticed he has not been in church in a while and called to have coffee with him - when we met he told he quit church (he said organized religion) because he was disillusioned with hypocrisy of leadership, I was able to empathize with the young man because I left church for the same reason as a high school student - (he is back in church - to God be the glory).

Emotional intimacy is very important for women, as they want you to feel their pain and then express it. Women want to hear "I love you daily" or for the husband to do something endearing for them. Rather than yes or no answer, they want detail description of how your day was, and step by step explanation of whatever it is they are asking you. Men on the other hand, are not as endowed with "estrogen" as women and fewer men favor their right brain hemisphere (as women do), so relating emotional is an uphill task for most men especially saying "I love you" daily, being an analyzer (a left brainer), we believe we should only say something when things change, meaning "if I said I love you during the honeymoon - except something changes and i dont love you anymore, don't expect me to repeat it".

Men can and do achieve emotional intimacy with their wives - it does take time and effort. The best technique I know of, is the five love languages and filling the love-tank concept.

Physical Intimacy

There is not so much to say here, except that sex is more important to the man (at earlier stages in life) than women. The reason is simple; it is called 28 days hormonal cycle and the other stuff that comes with it. The only time a woman will desire physical intimacy is during her ovulation (14th -16th day of the cycle), while the husband (especially under 35 years) want physical intimacy daily.

While physical intimacy in a woman is tied to her emotion, the man's physical intimacy is tied to his eyes and ears, a change in the wife's nightgown alone could be suggestive to the husband. By the way, initiating physical intimacy with your husband is not a sin (it might be a cultural taboo in many cultures); I believe and studies show that it boosts the man's self-esteem (he feels wanted).

I have been told that the desire for physical intimacy wanes in men as they age, I did not believe it until I got to the big 40, so young women there is hope. It is important for me to mention here that denying your husband physical intimacy is just like him not connecting with you emotionally, sort the problem out, but don't deny him physical intimacy - except with valid reasons that I hope he himself sees before you say anything.

Ignoring these various intimacies will keep your marriage in mediocrity (way below the initiator of marriage's intention), it gives room for the enemy (the devil) to operate freely, it causes unnecessary conflicts and tension in the home, and you are passing down the wrong things to your generation yet unborn through what you demonstrate to your children.

Remain Blessed