any years ago, I wrote on Africans in Diaspora going home (Africa) to marry and the context then was, if the process is worth it or not? Many then told me that the primary reason for going back home for a wife (mostly) or husband was because the diaspora Africans (like them) are too enlightened or put in another way, Americanized, Europeanized or Westernized (sorry, I should say Australianized too!) and that home folks are fresh and free from corrupt influences?
My argument then was that the only thing explicitly given to us in the Bible, is to make sure we are married to another true believer of the opposite sex (need emphasis for our generation), whether that believer is from China, India, Africa or Indonesia does not matter, as long as he/she is a believer with spiritual Fruit to bear witness. I remember writing then as well, about compatibility issues such as the blending of cultures that must take place after marriage, which invariable makes a fresh person from Africa also a western person in a few years.
The reason for this article is not to revisit marrying from home vs. marrying another diaspora African, but to highlight some of the amazing stories many have shared with me or that I have been part of. This article is to raise the awareness of what seem to be a trend, so my aim is not to take side and say never go back home – absolutely not, but that in light of the many experiences of others lately, to make sure doing so (marrying from home is) with a true believer and with the leading of God (personal convicting) is essential.
There are those who truly love God in Africa, I know because I was one of those (married and came abroad) and I knew many true believers either at church, fellowship or within the family, however the truth is most are hybrid Christians, whose relationship with God is based on what He can do for them, and one of the best things God can do for many of such people in Africa (so they think), is to bring them to America (or other western countries). Apart from those using religion, there are outright scammers, who prey of idiotic Diaspora people who also go home (Africa) to show off, what/who they are not.
I’m not sure I should call it an epidemic yet, but I’m having to deal with very evil stories of brides and grooms from Africa, marrying a Diaspora African without any real intent of marriage but purely as a passage to come to America, Europe or Australia, many have concocted their evil schemes before even marrying the person and their game plan is to get the citizenship of whatever western country is in question, and then abandon the person they see strictly as a “filer”.
Case study 1: a Diaspora man went home, met a young lady and her family, he did what was expected of him, from letter writing to the traditional ceremony. He later filed for her after the wedding.
The documents were processed promptly and she was set to travel. First she convinced him to let her buy the ticket at home (he sent the money). She sent him her itinerary of arriving in the said western country, only for the guy to go to the airport and be told that she was not on the flight. Not one person from her extended family, cooperated with the guy to tell the truth of what was really going on.
Couple of years later, the man saw this woman at a social gathering in another state/province/city of the country, and only for her to pretend like she’s never known him.
Case 2: A young lady was introduced to a man back home, both are well into their thirties. The young man could not hide his desire to leave Nigeria and live abroad, and many saw through his façade, he was asked many times if he was really interested in the marriage and not just going abroad, which he always answered in the affirmative.
While there were red flags all over the place, especially with attraction issues, everyone believed him because he professed Christianity. The ceremony went well, papers were filed, and very soon he joined her abroad. His true intent started to show almost immediately upon arriving abroad as he complained about everything, I mean everything and would not seek counsel with her. He started having adulterous relationship in whatever form you can think of, and in most cases was doing so in open sight, he kept being verbally abusive affect her self-esteem, all the while holding on till he gets his citizenship.
Case 3: A young man was introduced to an ambitious young woman who desperately wanted to come to abroad, that should have been the first sign. He went home a few times and her (his too) Christianity did not stop them from sinning.
She really did not love him, but thought he would be OK (she was really in love with someone else back home – her high school sweetheart), but once she came abroad, she quickly figured out the best way to get out of the relationship – but along came a child, and that factored into the scheme. At the end of the day, the original plan came to pass even with the child now being part of the equation.
Case 4: A young successful lady, who was skeptical of going home to find a husband, was introduced to a very (seemingly) loving ministry guy, based on skeptism, she did her due diligence, and traveled home a few times, each time becoming more convinced that everything was OK (based on talking to people).
The wedding went on, she filed for the man and he came to the western country in question. As the bible said of anything done in the dark, the truth will always come out in the open (regardless of how late). A friend who was disturbed by the level of deceit could no longer take the lie, that friend went through a third party to make it known that the person in question is already married, and the marriage was a fraud to get documents. The aforementioned cases are real life stories obviously diluted to protect the people, and every single one of those in the case study purports to be a follower of Christ, but I bet it is a story many of us have heard over and over again even in our churches?.
The impression of many all over Africa is that to make it (successful), they must be in a western country (fallacy), so many would go to any extent to get an America visa (or win lottery), a visa or stay for any European country or Australian documents just to get the success they’ve imagined or watch in Hollywood movies (which is a set put together by the way). One of the grace God has shown me in my many travels is the fact that we bloom the best where we are planted not where we think the land is most fertile, this is a lesson we humans don’t seem to learn, and we often do incredulous things (many times) against God’s will (even as servants of God) to achieve an objective we set for ourselves using God’s name.
Again, my aim is not to discouraged marrying from home, absolutely not, it is however to warn those who have found themselves in Diaspora with the wrong motives of going home (Africa) to get a spouse – such as she/he is fresh and has no western influence, just so you know, it might take couple of years but he/she would also be westernized.
As I’ve shared many times on this forum, the reasons we find in the bible for a solid foundation for marriage, is to ensure that we are equally yoked, meaning someone who share our faith and belief in the one True God, and for this generation it is very important to add that the marriage institution is a man and his wife (woman) – not same sex who feel different or multiple women. A spouse with those qualities can be found anywhere in the world, as long as one is led (and directed) by God.
I believe it is also important to say that as there are foxes in sheep’s clothing back home, there are foxes disguising as well from abroad, with the wrong motive of wanting to come marry at home? You motives for saying yes to a man or woman from abroad should never be the lure of wealth or better living, but one of, is this what God wants for me? Check your relationship with God, is it based on what He says, or do you scheme for Him on how you are to be successful?
Again, I believe every human have three huge decisions to make in life, first, whether to accept Christ as Lord and Savior, second, the choice of who to marry (based on human elements - attraction/compatibility and God’s peace within us) and thirdly, the choice of career based on the gift God has embedded in us. May heaven help you as you diligently seek who you’ll spend the rest of your life with, because it has consequences down to your fourth generation.