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THE AFRICAN MAN IN DIASPORA

hile in Perth, Australia this past weekend two people (men) ask for my opinion about African men killing their wives in America and what is it that I am personally doing about it based on my writings and expertise in this area?

Domestic homicide is not peculiar to Nigerians or Africans in Diaspora alone, I've heard of men killing their wives and then lying on the funeral pamphlet that she died after a brief illness in Africa (especially Nigeria). In America, the number six reason women die is from domestic abuse and the number one reason for physical harm to a woman is domestic abuse. Having said these statistics, the death of three African women in the hands of their African husbands within a year is one too many (those are the reported ones).

In five years of ministry and counseling, I have been accused of favoring men and I've also been accused of favoring women, I tend to call it the way I believe it is based on biblical principles. Men generally or worst still African men would always get more knock than the woman for many reasons. First, as the head of the home the buck should stop with the leader, secondly, the leader also bears responsibility for the things done under his watch, and thirdly the African man particularly gets more hit because of his tendencies based on his experiences while growing up in Africa.

The average African man in Diaspora is actually a good person, he loves his children, works hard to bring in money, he loves education, he is proud, he loves his wife but shows it differently, I know this because I have seen these average African Man all over North America, in Europe, in Africa and in Australia.

For this article I'll like to categorize the African Man in Diaspora into four types:

1. The highly educated older generation (immigrants) - many of them came to America in the 1960s/1970s/1980s they returned home (Africa) to high positions but they started coming back to America and Europe when corruption and bad leadership brought many African countries economies to it's knees. Many never left because their dream of education was not realized, so they are not as educated or as highly placed as their counterparts that went back home and came back.

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2. The Children (first generation) - many of the children of the immigrants Africans returned with their parents in the 1980s/1990s and are now parents themselves. The boys married the girl-friends and the girls married the boy-friends they met while going to college in Africa (this is my category). They are educated as well, along with their spouses and today many of them occupy highly placed positions in corporate America and in every industry.

3. The 1990s saw the American, European and other industrialized countries, allowing skilled workers to come and work in their countries. America called its own visa lottery, Australia and Canada call theirs "skilled workers program" and I know that Ireland had a similar program for a while. So many are of these men have at least a first degree.

4. There are those who came in illegally, usually with a visitor's visa and never went back and are operating under the radar doing menial jobs below whatever status they had before leaving Africa.

What connects and distinguishes all these categories of African men in terms of their view of marriage are their level of education and age (directly related to how much of the African culture was ingrained in them) when they left Africa. Let's see what was ingrained in a typical African Man.

The African Man's view of Marriage

1. The woman is not equal to the man - the man leads without consultations with his wife, her opinions are not needed.

   The in-equality of how African men view their wives lead to the woman being beaten. In America it is called physically abuse, in Africa she is being put in her place so she can know who runs the house. It is not uncommon for some men to have special "belt" to "discipline" their wives and children.

2. Due to Dowry or Bride Price - the African woman is seen as a property, the severity of this depends on the tribe in Africa. This is often displayed at the death of the man, my people (Yorubas) would usually give a woman to the brother of the dead (I had an uncle who accepted his brother's wife, only to die himself within a year), and the Ibos (my other people by marriage) in Eastern Nigeria would usually take all the property of the dead man and live the woman with little or nothing of the properties the couple acquire together (I know the case of an Mbaise couple just two years ago).

3. Polygamy or adultery in whatever shape is accepted - While my grandpa had 10 wives and they all knew each other, the men of my dads generation, kept (or still keep) the other woman at another location. Many times the other family show up at the man's funeral or the larger family call a meeting to introduce the "baby" wife and her children to the one at home (Iyale). It is not uncommon for African women to accept their husbands open adultery as long as he is taking care of them (taking care of is a relative term).

4. Public show of affection or display of emotion is absolutely frowned at - The man cannot show affection to his wife, he risk being called a "woman wrapper" or the superstitious ones would say the wife has washed her "private part" in the man's stew (soup) to arrest his love. Many men want to show affection, but they stay away in order not to be called names. Some brave men actually show affection, but the wife that gets most of the husbands affection always get the brunt of being the favorite from the other wives in a polygamous home.

5. Money is used as a dominant factor or tool of control in a typical African home - the man would usually make more money and the wife(s) and children are at the mercy of the man for food money and school fees.

   Most men in Africa see their job as bringing home the bacon and nothing more and it is the wives job to cook food and raise the children, whatever that entails. In twenty-six years of living in Nigeria, I did not know one family that had a joint account and for those that I have encountered at conferences whose parent had joint account, it is usually their mom giving her pay-check to the dad without asking any questions and him doing whatever he wants with the money, no budgeting or mutual planning.

   An African man would have problem with the woman making more money than him because he believes a part of his manhood has been taking away. A Sudanese man (refugee) in my city resigned his job because his wife made more net income than him when they got their first pay-check in America (they worked in the same factory).

6. The extended family is more important than the wife to an African man - an African man would listen and do what the Dad or Mom wants before listening to his wife's opinion. In His head when making decisions, the extended family comes before his nuclear family; his wife would always take care of the children.

   An African man that has spent at least 20 formative years in Africa would have most of the above traits ingrained in him because that is what he saw and in most cases taught growing up (Se bi Okunrin - behave like a man), if that man is educated he probably won't boast about it but would still show it in his behavior, indicating that exposure to education is not the solution to this line of thinking.

   When the African man and his wife relocate to a western country, he then faces a new set of culture that in many ways contradicts what he grew up with and his attitude to his new challenges determines his relationship with his wife, children and success in his new environment.

Challenges to the African Man's view of Marriage in a Western country

1. All over the western world, women are called equal to men, the women's liberation organization in many western countries are even advocating women not marry because they don't need men. There are many programs geared toward the women, even visas for battered women brought into a western country and abused by their husband and held ransom because of documentations.

   Many African men (I have met a few) who have problems with the concept that men and women are equal or that they are leader among equal. The older generation (immigrants), the skilled workers and visa lottery winners would probably never see their wives as equal, while the kids are a little better when it comes to understanding the equality or men and women.

2. The African man's wife wants her husband to show public affection like their white neighbor, if he can't kiss me in public at least he can hold my hand. Some of the women even want flower? As far as the African man is concerned such women are now referred to as "Iyawo Ilu Oyinbo (American or European wife)".

   Many African men, resist holding our wives in public because we think it is a white man's culture and we point to the excesses we see in public parks.

3. When purchases are made in western countries, for the most part it needs to be done in the name of the couple because of the credit system (non existent in Africa), family income and credit history is critical to secure a loan. Because things have to be done together, a typical African man hates the fact that he now has to consult with his wife to make purchases something he never did in Africa.

   I know many African men who still boast that their wives would never know how much they earn. Some are even of the opinion that they don't need the wife's money, yet they groan under the weight of bills monthly.

4. Knowing that polygamy is illegal, many African men are engaged in adulterous relationship all over the place, this is common among the older generation. The young desperate for husband, college and working class girls are the culprit or victims as the case might be. This unholy act is more common among those active in the "owambe" party scene, but it does exist also in the church.

5. While physical abuse is illegal, the law is not enforced in many African countries, however many state laws in America clearly states that someone would go to jail if the police are called for domestic violence. I have also found that the African man definition of physical abuse is different from what obtains in western countries. Africans regularly slap their wives or yell at them, meanwhile if you as much as touch your light skinned wife and live a red scar on her, you'll go to jail without collecting 200, I hear many African men say to me "I was only trying to get my cell phone from her"

6. When many African men lose their dominance because the wife makes more money, they resort to stupid things to try and be the leader. Which include abuse (emotionally and physically). I know a husband who would not go to the kitchen to make food for himself and the children, he'll rather wait till the wife gets back at 6.00pm to eat and then he'll want sex later? On further inquiry, his action was purely based on messed up strategy to maintain dominance.

The prevalent African culture as it relates to marriage need to be reviewed not because we are in 2006 or times have changed but because the value system of God has never changed in thousands of year. In the same way America and especially England need to return to Judeo-Christian values that sustained them for many years.

Jesus warned us of traditions when in Mark 7: 8 he said "You have let go of the commands of God and are holding on to the traditions of men" verse 13 "thus you nullify the word of God by your tradition that you have handed down"

Biblical Principles and African Culture

1. Men and women are equal before God, but the man is the head of the home. The leadership should be like Christ demonstrated which is Servant Leadership. A servant leader does not force people to follow him, he earns their respect, and many times Jesus asks his disciples if they wanted to leave him, but they choose to stay because they believe in him.

   A godly husband would not beat the wife to submission, he would he treat her with disrespect, he would not give her silent treatment and other stupid things human mind can think off, just to maintain his leadership.

2. The Bible never told the woman to obey the husband, like it did children and servant, women are told to submit, honor and respect. I have written many articles on what I believe this means practically, it means deferring your opinion to what your husband want while praying that he makes the right and Godly choice.

   This is why it is critical to marry a godly man to set a godly foundation for your marriage. Godly marriages will have problems, but they both have the scripture as a guiding tool, this is what separates a heathen from a man who loves God wholeheartedly.

3. Showing affection to ones wife is not a white man's invention, women wanting affection and emotional intimacy is because she came to America or London, it is because Estrogen flows in her system and that she uses more of her right hemisphere which makes her an emotional creation. African women have the same body system like Europeans or American women. Read Hosea 2: 14-16, Songs of Solomon 5.

   Showing affection to your mate helps maintain your marriage. I don't think our forefathers will rise from the dead if we hold our wife's hand when going for a walk. I still find it difficult to hold my wife in public especially in church, but God is helping me, especially when I know that women like ownership, they want people around to know that you are their husband (except they are not proud of you). Even God identified with Jesus (Luke 3: 22).

4. Sharing with one's wife or asking for her opinion does not make you a woman wrapper; it makes you a wise person. Men and women were made to reason differently and God in His infinite wisdom decided they should be together, so that when one thinks analytically the other thinks emotionally, so that better decisions are made.

   A smart man solicits his wife's opinion, and weighs it against what he thinks. He then takes his option to the Lord in prayer. When your godly wife sees this pattern of decision making in your life - I can assure you, she'll submit to your leadership.

Becoming a godly husband

Change they say is necessary but as we all know is difficult. I'm not advocating becoming a western cultured man, far be it (that is a new set of problem in itself), but becoming that man after God's heart.

The biggest obstacle to change is accepting that what you've been doing is not working. Many African men in Diaspora need to accept that they have been influenced greatly by the existing African culture, each person then need to identify areas that they need to work on. In my 14 years of marriage to Ola, we have both adjusted but because this is addressing the man, I'll tell you my own adjustment. I now see "respect" differently my definition of respect when I was in Nigeria and my definition now is different. For the first four years of marriage I thought my wife's idea were foreign and never listened to her for a day, now I cant make a decision without asking for her opinion, even if I end up doing what I had thought about.

Holding my wife in public was a no-no before now, but I'm gradually changing. Instead of trying to make my wife fit the mode of my ideal African woman (cook my native meal, kneel down, take of the children etc), I have accepted her for who she is while focusing on her good side rather than hammering the areas she is working on. I have discovered that as the Bible says love does covers a multitude of sin, loving my wife unconditionally (no matter what my feelings are) have paid great dividend in my marriage.

Many older generation African men abuse their wives physically, but the wives cannot say anything to anyone because her husband is the African community leader where they are, so she and the kids are holding on to secrets. This type of abuse is based primarily more on maintaining leadership. Many in the skilled labor or visa lottery husband category also maintain leadership through physical abuse. Physical abuse among the first generation is few and far between because many of them did not spend formative years in the African culture, those who abuse their spouse probably saw their dad beat their mom.

The most dangerous African man (profile for homicide) can fall into any of the four categories but more than likely, he came to America to read but never finished his schooling perhaps just his bachelors, he has a low self-esteem and works in a low end job. He decides to marry from his country and chooses a beautiful and ambitious lady (who would take the risk of marrying someone whose status could be fake just to get to America). The woman gets here and soon finishes her school with the man paying, and pretty soon she makes more money and footing many bills at home.

For years she is indebted to him and stays in the abuse, he is particularly jealous because he sees his wife as a cash cow and sex machine. With no change for years, she decides enough is enough and kick him out or move out herself. He is devastated and has no where to go, his meager salary is confisticated by Uncle Sam, who deducts child support before he gets the left over.

This man who has no fear of God, even though he might attend a church, plots to get even with the wife for making his life miserable, he thinks she is ungrateful for him bringing her to America - if his will is strong enough he carries out his revengeful act like the two men in Texas and the one in Virginia.

Since 2003, I have conducted about 10 Peculiar Conflict Conferences worldwide, to address all the topics I raised above, but the attendance to say the least were not encouraging. I charged initially, and then I did it for free. My pastor friends gave me their facilities for free and Nigeriaworld publisher gave free publicity (among other support).

We need as a group of people to discuss this topic not just in church forum but in academic or social forum (especially the cultural associations); I have written to the heads of the Nigerian lawyers and ANPA to partner with me and get this message out and got no reply.

We need to take our marriage seriously (and imbibe the culture of maintenance) and recognize that we have a problem that need to be addressed, rather than keep fire on the roof and go to sleep pretending there is no problem. It is a matter of time before we hear of the next case, are we going to be sorry for the woman then or are going to do something now? My dear African woman, please don't feel guilty about calling the police on a husband who has made you a punching bag, in-fact feel free to tell your husband that Femi Awodele said, the next time he touches you, you'll call the police and file charges.

If you know an African man struggling with low-self esteem, jealousy and constantly harasses his wife who makes more money, may I recommend my book "Peculiar Conflict - African Marriages in Western Culture"

Remain Blessed.

William Femi Awodele is the Executive Director of Christian Couples Fellowship International, Inc a marriage ministry based out of Omaha, Nebraska. You can also hear Femi every Sunday @ 4.00pm on KCRO AM 660 Omaha NE/Council Bluff IA or visit our website www.christiancouples.org