any years ago I wrote about the anatomy of adultery, how and why adultery occurs based on my experience dealing with many couples at that time. It’s really been a tough time lately dealing with cases of adultery, please bear in mind that my primary call is to the body of Christ (whether true believers or simply religious church attendees).
Adultery is when a married person indulge in extra-marital affairs (emotional or physical) with another man or woman (fornication is when an unmarried person indulge in a physical sexual relationship). Adultery is not just physical intercourse but thoughts or affectionate emotions for someone that is not your spouse. I believe adultery could be categorized into two, first there is the adultery that occurs when someone let his/her guard down (this can happen to the most anointed human), such a person is often quick to repent, and the second is an unrepentant habitual adulterer, who often repent every time he/she get caught and return to the vomit. Depending on the reason for adultery, it is often difficult to deal with, Apostle Paul actually said those in the second category (habitual adulterer) would not inherit the kingdom of heaven, meaning they probably were never truly saved.
There is absolutely no legitimate excuse for committing any form of adultery, but the most common excuse is when communication breaks down and conflicts increases (and husband and wife grow apart). Conflicts in marriage is a guarantee even the Bible acknowledges that, conflict issues however varies, it could be money in one family or it could be sex in another, there are also basic things such as our nature and nurture that makes conflicts unique to each family. When couples don’t learn the acts of conflict resolution (which include, understanding love, communication etc) then such a home is heading towards extinction (or becomes a negative statistic). Another common excuse (smaller percentage) is when we refuse to flee when we are tempted. A man without strong moral conviction who meets someone he is attracted to and he is far away from where he is known or what he considers a safe place, might commit adultery without any emotional attraction (this sort is not very common with women).
There are two reasons for divorce stated in the bible, the first is “adultery” (Jesus did not specify which adultery category) and when an unbelieving spouse chooses to go and the believing spouse has done all he/she can do, however in both cases, it is clear that re-marriage is not the perfect will of God (I also believe God will forgive if we seek it after remarrying) and God would rather we forgive an adulterous spouse if he/she seeks forgiveness. The category or the type of adultery definitely affects what happens after a spouse commits adultery.
The grace of God is a concept that I don’t believe any human fully understand (forget the books you’ve read), as a prison clergy who have met with many bad people who have become clergy themselves, it’s unexplainable. I still don’t understand (I accept it) how some of us go through the ups and downs of Christianity and then a really crappy person gives his/her life on the death bed and we all go to heaven? Understanding forgiveness is part of understanding God’s grace, even in situations where a spouse has been unfaithful and seeks forgiveness, we might have a “legit” bible reason to divorce but we are also ask to forgive, not forgive after the break-up but forgiving and moving on. I’m sharing what I believe the scripture says here, not what we feel and these situations are usually emotional charged.
I have noticed that forgiveness is easier (not guaranteed) when the offender apologizes, and somehow based on our humanity the other person is interested in knowing minute details of what happened? Those who get caught in a one-time fling due to their negligence (thinking they can handle temptation) are often quick to apologize, because it is often a deception of the enemy (not an emotional thing) and when the act is done, the lie veil is removed and reality sets in, unfortunately some people try to cover things up (which makes it worst) and then complicates the whole thing. If you get caught-up in adultery, confessing immediately would not get you out of trouble (with your spouse or paying for your sin) but it would make the healing process easier.
On the other hand when the adultery involves emotion (it is possible for one person to be just physical and for the other person to be emotional in an adulterous relationship) it takes longer for the person involved to get over the adultery, the hurt is deeper on the other spouse emotion and generally healing takes a long time.
Regardless of the category of adultery, whether it is a one-time fling or a serious emotional relationship, it is important to realize that any category of adultery is bad, it is a sin not only against your spouse, but against God and defiling your body which is supposed to be the abode of the Holy Spirit (and the Holy Spirit would not be grieved by hanging around crap). After David committed adultery with Bathsheba (thought he got away with it) and God sent Nathan to chastise him, he prayed one of the most popular prayer in the Bible, Psalm 51, saying “to you alone my Lord have I sinned”.
Jesus Christ went to the cross so that His blood can cleanse our sins, however His blood cannot work on our behalf if we don’t repent and confess, 1 John 1: 9 “if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us of all unrighteousness”. My appeal to anyone who is indulging in an adulterous relationship (even if it is just eyeing someone else) is to repent and confess immediately, first to God and then with much wisdom (perhaps in the company of a respected person) confess to your spouse. There is a huge difference in your spouse finding out and you initiating the confession, he/she would still be mad but it shows true repentance rather wondering if you are truly sorry or sorry for being caught?
There is always a reason or excuse for whatever we do, good or bad, but defending yourself and punting the blame of adultery on your spouse is one that is nauseating, I’ve discovered that many spouse already feel bad that their spouse committed adultery, and they wonder if they are good enough or what he/she sees in the other person, so to punt the guilt of your action on your spouse is gross irresponsibility. Repentance like king David taught us is taking responsibility (he did not punt the blame on Bathsheba for bathing naked in the open nor did he blame his wives for having headaches all the time). The excuses can come up later during the healing process, but in the initial stages accept and confess your sin and inadequacies.
I cannot explain this but it seems common that when a woman commits adultery it is usually emotional and often such a woman calculates the cost before she offers herself physically to the other person that is not her husband, so repenting and moving on takes a lot emotionally. Many times such women have calculated what life would be without the current husband and are blinded by the “allure” of life awaiting them, unfortunately, for the man on the other side it is simply a physical relationship, he did what he had to do to get her in bed, and he even feel good because ordinarily (socially) he would never even come close to such a woman. To that woman, I want to say at this time, the grass is never greener on the other side, what you are imagining now is “fantasy” put on by the enemy, the person you think is cool right now is also human (emphasis on man) and has a “conquering” attitude like most “players” and in most cases the devil you know is better than the one you are hoping to start again with.
In a long emotional relationship, the offended spouse need to understand that it will take time for the wife or husband to get over the relationship because your spouse has been deceived by the enemy that life is better without you and that the other person is an angel (because the other person is treating your spouse mainly wives way better than you are at that point), so as you deal with the fact that your spouse has committed adultery or even self-esteem issue, please note that dealing with emotion takes time. I have noticed that when the offender now gets back to her/his senses the offended party often doesn’t want the relationship anymore?
Repentance and forgiveness are two principles I have spent countless hours studying and writing about. Forgiveness is a command and it is something that seems impossible if we focus on the offender and not on God? Many of us (Christian and non-Christians) serve God for what is in it for us rather than serving and worshiping God for whom He is, this attitude affects us to the extent that we focus on vengeance rather than God’s choice of forgiveness. According to the Bible, every soul than sins would pay the consequence and vengeance is the Lord’s! Forgiveness is also not just words, “oh yeah, I forgive you” but then the issue is brought up every opportune time using forgiveness as an intimidation or blackmail tool.
My choice to forgive my wife/husband is not because he/she ask for it (that helps) but because that is the command of God, and it is only to God that I go to soothe my pain, not to the words that he/she has said to me, because those words are useless without he/she truly repenting. King David understood this concept when he wrote “to you alone have I sinned, my Lord”. So when I forgive, I don’t keep bringing up the issue especially when I want the spouse I’ve supposedly forgiven do something I want, in the world this is called “blackmail” and I’m sure it’s a sin before God.
I am very sure that in either category of adultery, God’s perfect will would be for us to forgive our spouse and work on our relationship regardless of how long the healing process takes. It is normal to feel very bad when our spouse commits adultery, so I’m not asking us to discount how we feel, what I’m appealing to in those reading this article (and going through this at this time) is that we ask for God’s grace that is sufficient in all situations and the will to be obedient to His word rather than follow how we feel, the result is very rewarding when we endure and are obedient to His words.
Finally, if your spouse is an habitual adulterer, my guess is that we are not dealing with an errant Christian, but an unbeliever outright or someone who practices religion without a relationship with the real Christ (there are many Christ’s out there). Like Jesus said, a tree can only bear after its kind, so to expect your unbelieving spouse to bear fruit of the Spirit would be like expecting the apple tree in your yard to bear mangos? While I believe you should talk about physical intimacies and the risk of his/her behaviors to you and your sexual relationship, your primary focus should be praying for a tree grafting for your unbelieving spouse (even though he/she might do church stuff) after which he/she can then bear fruit of the spirit. Adultery is one of the fruit of the flesh.
Even with written words, adultery is an issue that is very emotional and often our emotion takes the best of us in our decision making rather than God’s perfect will, which is not very convenient at the time that we are going through that intimate trial. It is important that we surround ourselves with trusted few (very close friends) rather than do what the flesh wants which is isolation because of shame or pride.
If you’ve divorced your ex because he/she committed adultery and you are now re-married, as much as I believe (based on the Bible) that this is not God’s perfect will, I also believe and know that this is not an unforgiveable sin, rather it is simply operating in God’s permissive will, which brings consequences but also we get full and absolute forgiveness if we seek it just like King David who operated much in God’s permissive will in terms of his marital relationships but was still very loved by God. The primary focus of this article is for those going through this very tough intimate issue, to stick to God’s perfect will so they can receive the promise of being obedient to His words.
It is my prayer that God would heal as many home that have been afflicted with this intimate and very emotional sin, that God will give the offenders the grace to confess and repent and the offended the grace to forgive, that through the tough emotional roller coaster only God’s will would be established.
Remain Blessed
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