his article is in direct response to a reader who requested I write my opinion on the subject many months back, I shied away from writing on it because many articles have been written on it (I remember Dr. Tonye David-West's article How about the single naija ladies in the US? Who will marry them?), and I told myself that until I have something new to add I'll hold off on writing.

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At the time of writing this article, my family is on our annual trip to Kanakuk Kamp in Branson MO (www.kanakuk.com), the boys are campers (K-West / K-Kountry), Ola (volunteer camp physician) and I are alone in our cabin for six days (try it with your spouse sometime, I mean being alone).

Having time away from all stuff, my brain has been on overdrive with visions (CCFI 2008, Family Vision and of course stuff to write about). The issue of getting a wife from home came up again in my head, so here are my thoughts.

Underlying Principles

There are some underlying principles regarding who we should marry regardless of where we live (America, Africa, Asia or Europe), as long as we subscribe to the Bible as being the infallible word of God.

Principles

• Do not be unequally yoked - you cannot marry someone who is not a born-again Christian (someone with a personal relationship with God regardless of denomination). The reason is that such a person would share your believe and you will both refer to the same principles and values regarding your marriage issues.

• Attraction - each one of us have what attracts us to the opposite sex, meaning we might like a big boned woman better than a smart woman, or whatever else we look for or interest us in the opposite sex, regardless of our geographical location

• Compatibility - the character you hate in the opposite sex when you where in Africa would still be the character you hate in Newark NJ or London, England. If you don't like someone who lie, you will still hate a lying person, regardless of color, location or attraction.

For more details on the principles read the article "Choosing who to marry" or read my book "Selecting a Godly Spouse" Pleasantword 2005 (www.amazon.com).

Why eligible men go back to Africa for their bride?

Not being aware of the above principles many eligible men refer to cases they've heard from friends, acquaintances and at Owambe parties, of the woman who has spent too much time in American and does not know how to cook or respect a husband or the African woman who was brought here and soon became "Americanized" or is now a "Londoner" calling police on her husband or running away with another man.

Some of the reasons (I've heard)

• Any woman from Africa would know how to cook and how to respect the husband (Myth or Reality?).

• Any woman from Africa would understand African culture (Myth or Reality?)

• Women in Diaspora are too sophisticated and "loose", in other words they don't know how to treat a man the way someone from Africa will? (Myth or Reality?)

• If I want a wife that will wait on me, cook and take care of the children without asking for help, then I'll go home and get me a village girl (Myth or Reality)

• Any girl my parents find for me back home must be a good girl (Myth or Reality/)

• Marry a nurse, doctor or lawyer so she can come abroad and make lots of money for us, since I've been a cabby for 25 years (Myth or Reality?)

The questions we need to answer now is, are these reasons just myths or is there any iota of truth to them?

Comparative analysis of the young lady in Diaspora and the young lady living in Africa

The African young lady is Diaspora

Many in the marriageable age now were born in Diaspora (lived abroad all their lives or came back here for schooling), a few came abroad with their parents with the visa lottery and the last category are the kids of rich (upper-middle to high class) Africans schooling in the various universities abroad.

The young lady born and raised abroad would more than likely not speak the language (might hear one or two words) and she thinks like a western person. Her definition of respect is totally different from what a typical African guy calls respect. She is very educated and is more assertive in what she wants and not easily intimidated by the husband. She understands and knows her right and would absolutely not take domestic abuse under any circumstances. Depending on her parent (or mother), she more than likely does not know how to cook "ogbona" or "egusi" stew, nor does she know how to make "Iyan", "Fufu" or "Amala". She can make rice (maybe plantain), macaroni and cheese and other foods taught in home ed. class or the course she took in college.

The young ladies that were born abroad but spent formative years in Africa (high school or college), the ladies born in Africa but now reside abroad with there parents and those abroad for college will more than likely speak their African language and understands the African culture but are now determined reject the second-hand treatment of women that is part of the culture back home. She is usually very educated (generally more than the ones born abroad), depending on when she came abroad, she can make most African foods (but please don't compare it with your Mom's).

Because she speaks the language and depending on how long she's spent abroad, she is usually mistook for someone that understand the African culture (especially by the mother-in-law) when in reality it is only an illusion of the past (when she left Africa - she was probably shielded by her parents even back in Africa). Having lived in a western country she's experienced the freedom and liberty a woman can have compared to what obtains in Africa, and when she "jist" with her friends they vow never to let any man treat them like that.

The African young lady at home (Africa)

Many are now very educated (college level) and their view of marriage to a large extent is what obtains in Africa (for Africans view of marriage see my articles on African Marriages or book "Peculiar Conflicts - African Marriages in Western Cultures Xulonpress 2003 www.amazon.com), the exception to her view is what she watches on Oprah, Tyra or other foreign sitcoms when they watch satellite TV (when I was in Nigeria last year 2006, Mexican sitcoms was the craze).

More than likely she will know how to cook, except if "Omo do" (house-help) did it when she was growing up, her definition of respect would be what obtains in Africa and she is more tolerant of domestic abuse. Her view might be different slightly if she vacations abroad regularly or has spent more than four weeks in a western country. She definitely speaks her local language, perhaps even the dialect from the village.

She sees coming abroad as an opportunity (Not all of them), especially if the person she's planning to marry is already settled in his vocation, and sends dollars or pounds regularly.

Most women without the right foundation of principles and values from their parents but only with the view of marriage from the African culture standpoint, will react negatively and demand or exercise "freedom" once they've been exposed to western cultures for some time. This reaction is the reason we hear and read the different stories of women who were brought abroad and are now behaving like "American wives" and why some men are going crazy and being the jury and judge.

Deciding to choose from Diaspora or from Africa?

The main factors in deciding who you marry should never be the geographical location, cultural or financial status (potential or otherwise), as these changes over time. However, a believer should be a believer in Africa or America, in Europe or Australia, what separates a believer is not the cultural norms of where she was raised (that would influence her) but her faith and believe in God and humility and obedience to God's word whether it is convenient for her or not. The one important element that influences any person's life, as a Christian (and level of spiritual maturity) is the family of origin, the values and principles that Mom and Dad choose to pass down are very critical. A young lady that grew up in a Christian home, regardless of where (Africa or America), in my opinion is who any man should want to marry.

Attraction and compatibility issues then come next when deciding on who to get married to. Each one of us has to decide what is important to us in the areas of compatibility, is a woman that can cook African food more important than someone who understands the culture of where I live? Is speaking my local language with my wife more important than marrying someone that is ready and available? Is respect as defined by prevalent African cultures more important to me than a wife that says "don't be silly"?

The young ladies from home and those in Diaspora are both educated, what separates them are their views of marriage based on the culture they grew up in (African or western), the only group that might not know how to cook African foods or speak an African language fluently are those born and raised in Diaspora. I personally, hold the view that there are enough of these first and second generation Africans in Diaspora that they can marry each other (we just have to get them together as parents - That is why CCFI is organizing, African Christian Singles Summit in Atlanta GA March 20-22 2008).

It is important for the man to take into consideration that once any woman is exposed to the freedom of expression in a western country, it is a matter of time before she starts to seek or want such freedom, so marrying someone from the village in Africa because of what you call respect won't last too long. Also marrying someone because she is a nurse and that her potential income will add more financial value to the home, might seem like a good idea for a while, until she gets abroad and starts to have her own vision (of what to do with her money).

It is ironic that the some men who go back home to seek a spouse, portray themselves beyond what they really are (you know all the lies and show off), so they can marry a "doctor", "lawyer" or "nurse", at the same time it is ironic that some women in Africa also marry any man from abroad (even when they know his story is shaky) because they desire to leave the poverty of Africa under any circumstances, with an agenda at the back of their mind, once settled abroad they abandon the man that brought them for a guy they have attraction for (thinking they are in love).

I have met many guys that want to marry a sophisticated African woman, meaning she has the accent, education and what they call elegance (like having sorority sisters from college) that comes with being born and raised abroad, but then they want her to cook the local foods and just say yes sir to whatever decision is being made in the home, like Chief Eleyinmi (Village Headmaster) would say "Fa fa fa fao" (it is unrealistic expectation).

Also living in America or anywhere in Diaspora does not make a woman any more loose (promiscuous) than a woman in Africa, so the notion that ladies in Diaspora have skeleton in their cupboard is a notion applicable to anyone anywhere. I personally believe that a woman's sexual purity is totally based on her morals and not geography. A recent survey just released claim that African women (with Nigerian women in the lead) are more sexually active than women from other parts of the world.

Summary

I believe in all my rambling we can deduce that regardless of where the woman comes from what is most important is what she believes, whether her worldview is based on the principles and values of God (regardless of location) or if it's based on relativistic view of one culture differing from another. The values she grew up with in her family of origin are also very critical to whom she is and her outlook of what a marriage is or is not.

The environment (culture) a young lady grew up in plays a secondary role in her life, if she is a Christian, any value or principles that contradicts what the Bible says (even if it is from the culture she grew up in) automatically becomes a no-cant-do issue. However, because humans attitude (what we've learnt over time) does not disappear in one day (even if we desire to change), it is important for a man, to decided what he wants or does not want, what he can live with or cannot live with, so he does not have unrealistic expectations either from the wife he brings from Africa or the woman he meets in Diaspora.

Remain Blessed