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| HOUSE CALL |
| Femi Awodele | Friday, April 20, 2007 |
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HOME IMPROVEMENT SERIES LXII - TEN REASONS YOU SHOULD RESOLVE THE CONFLICT BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE NOW
o me the most important subject a couple getting married need to learn
before marriage is not love making or money management but conflict
resolution, when the act of resolving conflict is learned (and perfected)
it then becomes easy to face and deal with any conflicts as they arise.
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As couples we give a thousand and one reasons for why we avoid resolving our conflicts, from thinking we don't have the time, to assuming what the other person will do, to being afraid of the other person's reaction, to being a passive-aggressive person who say yes but actually mean no and for some because they are just mean spirited (a guy once told me, my dad said the way to bring a woman to order is not talking to her for days).
There is absolutely no good reason for us not to talk to each other as husbands and wives and to resolve our conflicts, except we are ready to deal with the following:
Spiritually
1. Hindered Prayer
Matthew 5: 23 "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has offended you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift"
Malachi 2: 13-14 "Another thing you do: you flood the Lord's altar with tears. You weep and wail because He no longer pays attention to your offering or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask why? It is because the Lord is acting as a witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner; the wife of your marriage covenant"
1 Peter 3: 7 "Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker [physically] partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayer"
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2. Opens door to demonic influence
Ephesians 4: 26-27 "In your anger do not sin: do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold"
Without going too much into spiritual warfare explanation, demons are real and they need a physical body to effectively do damage in our world. We sometimes unknowingly give our body for such use; Paul wrote the Ephesians church that they should not give the devil a foothold in their lives.
Unresolved conflict is a huge and commonly used foothold of the devil to break marriages in our generation. When conflicts are not resolved, then anger sets in which eventually becomes fits of rage, Pride sets in and very soon our head won't go through our house doors anymore. Wild imagination also comes in which then erodes trust. These are footholds that soon become strongholds.
3. Disobedience and Un-forgiveness
Matthew 6: 12 "Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors"
In Matthew 18 Jesus expanded on the above statement in what we call the Lord's Prayer, by telling the parable of the unmerciful servant, who threw another servant in jail for a dollar when the King forgave him of a million dollar debt.
When we choose not to forgive and drag out conflicts, then we are in disobedience before God, disobedience (Prophet Samuel told King Saul - "Obedience is better than sacrifice") is a sin and carries consequences just as un-forgiveness carries its own consequences. Matthew 6: 14-15 "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins" I believe this statement of Jesus is self explanatory.
Emotionally
4. Anger and Fits of rage
Anger is a secondary emotional that can be contained if the person is so willing. In my opinion husbands and wives will get on each others nerves on a daily basis, and the best solution in my opinion is to deal with the issue and wait for the next conflict.
Unresolved conflicts leads to built up anger, and built up anger has devastating effects on the person, physically, spiritually and physically. When allowed to fester anger becomes fits of rage. I've heard many people tell me that many times when they get really angry they do things that they don't want to do and after they calm down, many times they don't remember the actions they took while angry, and my explanation to them is that they just went through fits of rage.
While speaking last week at the county jail, I told my audience that anger is a secondary emotion, so it can be controlled, one of the guys disagreed with me vehemently saying, when he gets angry he losses control, I then explained the difference between anger and fits of rage to him (and that he might need deliverance prayer).
5. Emotional turmoil
When husband and wife don't talk because of unresolved conflicts, it is only a matter of time before the malice starts to eat one of them up inside and that eventually leads to varying emotional problems.
Many wives (some husbands) are on anti-depression medicine (very few cases are not related to household issues), many still are struggling with high blood pressure and are on medication for that as well. For some it is anxiety and constant fear of what the husband or wife will do.
In the dispensation of politics some are maintaining two homes, one in Nigeria and another in Europe or America, with either household not being aware of each other (but suspecting). I have also found that finance (the how of it) is a major problem with Africans in Diaspora and it is an issue that is usually swept under the carpet but keeps coming up. The relationship of a husband or wife with a co-worker of the opposite sex is also in my opinion and experience another major issue that causes emotional distress, especially if the spouse on the receiving end thinks the relationship is too close and unsafe and the spouse involved does not think so.
My belief and what I counsel is that, if you have an opposite sex worker or co-worker that your spouse deem too close, put some barrier between you and that person and if you are feeling the vibe yourself, separate yourself completely from that atmosphere.
6. Pride
When conflicts are not resolved and the devil is given a foothold, one of the stronghold locks the enemy uses is pride and many of us can relate to this first hand.
There is a conflict at home and both parties think they are both right and both stay their ground, very soon both start getting excuses in their minds that they are right and pride sets in, well she will come and beg me! Meanwhile she too is thinking if he doesn't get sexual intimacy for a week he'll come begging! Before you know it, it's a month of no conversation in the same home.
When not checked quickly the main issue is forgotten and pride now sets in, the issue now become how big headed either of them can be and waiting to see who will cave in first. Obviously such nonsense brings about a tensed home and it's a ripe atmosphere for adultery.
Physically
7. Roaming Eyes
Apostle John alerts us of the trick of the devil "Lust of the eyes, lust of the flesh and the pride of life" it seems these tricks continue to work for the devil especially in certain circumstances. It is well documented that a home is susceptible to adulterous relationship when there is continued dissatisfaction brought on by lack of communication or unresolved conflicts.
While not giving excuse for those who commit adultery, majority of them do so when things are tense at home, when they are refusing each other sex, when they don talk, when they re-act aggressively towards each other etc.
Most human being would not bother to look at another person of the opposite sex if things were going well at home, but when the home becomes unbearable for whatever reason, other women starts to look more beautiful than they really are and the devil brings before such a man, a woman he is attracted to, while adulterous relationship is not so much physical for a woman, she starts to discuss her feeling with any man that care to listen and if that listening guy validates her feeling, it is a matter of time before she have sex with him.
8. Avoidance
As a young couple (in the first 4 years of our marriage), whenever we have a fight going on, my wife (Ola) will look for an excuse not to come home directly from school, sometimes she even drives around the neighborhood. I have had many women and men tell me similar stories like taking overtime hours etc, I even have a pastor tell me he sets counseling appointment for evening time, just to avoid going home.
Running away from the problem doesn't solve the issue, it only delays it. Driving around the neighborhood or taking trips for work would only prolong what needs to be dealt with, the sooner it is dealt with in love the better.
9. Physical Ailment and longevity
Some physical ailment like arthritis, ulcer, insomnia, headaches (migraine), anxiety etc do have their root from problems in the home.
A study released some years back suggest that the husband and wife live longer when they have a good relationship and are not usually happy and have all sorts of ailments which may result in premature death, from things such as strokes, high blood pressure etc when the home is an unbearable place that they have to go daily.
General
10. Guilt - in case you loose your spouse.
None of us is guaranteed the next minute, as you read this article we are mourning the death of 32 people at Virginia Tech. (or those who died in the election in Nigeria) who went to class on a faithful Monday morning with plans for the rest of the day only for life to be snuffed out of them.
Some years back a man lost his entire family to flood water in Kansas and with every interview he kept saying he thank God for the opportunity to pray and share with his kids every night (the national press could not understand his viewpoint). Unlike this gentleman many people regret loosing their loved one and many still have guilt feeling because they were not in talking terms or unresolved conflicts when he/she left home that morning and met an untimely death. Death is an inevitable enemy that will be destroyed at the end of time, but until then, it does not give us notices and could come at any time, why regret when you can fix things NOW.
It is my prayer that any couple or individual with unresolved conflict with your spouse would swallow your pride and go do the right thing.
Remain Blessed
