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femi@christiancouples.org USA

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HOME IMPROVEMENT SERIES XXXVII
- COMING TO AMERICA AS AN OLDER PERSON!

ne of the peculiar conflicts (discussed in my book "Peculiar Conflicts -African Marriages in Western Cultures" and often shared at the conferences) is the role reversal of the husband and wife from the African setting to the western setting, this role reversal becomes even more complicated if the man has had a thriving career before relocating to America or any other western country.

To fully understand this complication we need to analyze the man's role in Africa and why it would create complication in a western country. In Africa, the man has one major role, be the provider (the definition of provider vary), he brings the money home (whether the money he brings home is enough or not), he pays the rent, pays school fees and all other bills is the woman's. In most homes the woman runs after the man to get the money. A typical African man also does not discuss how he expends money with the wife rather she is informed of what is happening. The leadership of the home is usually tied to finance or economic power only.

With the standard of living in most African countries declining (because of terrible egoistic leadership), many parents, who schooled abroad started returning to those countries, some professionals also started seeking job opportunities outside the country and lastly the visa lottery (and other professional visa) brought new sets if people. In some of these cases, it was the wife that was the professional that got a job in America or Britain and in most visa cases, it is the woman that returned or came first with the kids to settle before the man joined later.

Many of the men involved were successful in their various vocations in Nigeria or other African countries, some lawyers, some bankers, some doctors, some engineers, some pharmacists, some university professors and some business people (thriving in the unique business climate of Nigeria and perhaps the whole of African - with corruption - something not practicable outside African shores). Many have built homes, are breadwinners to many extended family members, had house-helps for every kid and driver for every car. The decision to move out of Nigeria, Ghana, Kenya etc in-spite of the successes are based on the following, more opportunities for the kids to have a better education and grow up in a society that gives them the opportunity to be the best that they can be. The fact that the standard of living is better abroad and the rest of mind from armed robbers invading at anytime are also a good reasons for "Andrew to checkout" (this was a slogan against brain drain in Nigeria in the late 1980s)

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While western countries (America especially) are lands of opportunities, those opportunities are not handed down on a platter of gold, in-fact in most cases you have to go get it. Getting those opportunities come with "paying dues". Many of you reading this article paid your dues by being a cashier or fryer at McDonald before taking your various board exams, some like me sold used cars, some did telemarketing, some did CNA (Gbeya Gbeya - Nursing Assistant) and some did whatever they needed to do to keep body and soul together. The transition from being a person of "substance" to becoming a "nobody" or starting all over again in a foreign land for some strange reason is tougher for the man than the woman. A woman is quick to adjust irrespective of her position at home, I've heard some men postulate that western countries treat women better in the jobs market than the man (I don't totally share that postulation). I honestly think it has to do with the man's pride (which is not necessarily a bad thing, if adequately managed).

As immigrants (male or female) each one of us (it has nothing to do with the devil) will face enormous (but very surmountable) obstacles in a western country. Your skin color would be problem in some places, in other places it will be your thick accent (The first Sunday school class I thought on marriage five years ago, two couples walk out of the class, my accent was the culprit), in the office it might be what you call disrespect with kids your baby's age calling you by your first name with absolutely no regard. The biggest obstacle however are not the ones we face outwardly from people, but the one holding us back in our mind?

Many African men cant seem to get over what they use to be back home, and every time they face obstacles in a western country, rather than deal with the obstacle and move on they have self pity and launch into "poor me, I did not want to come to America, I came for my kids" such attitude, if not curtailed or dealt with could lead to depression (symptoms include, emotions, stress & tension, headaches, aches & pain, weight gain and fatigue among others), spiritually, the man abandon his role as the leader of the home and would take offense or read meaning to people relating to or with him. The man soon becomes robotic and unbearable to live with at home. Many African women dealing with a husband who has lost his self-esteem and is on the border of depression usually add salt to the injury by yelling at him and telling him what to do, some women are even more than happy to take over the leadership of the home because they now make the money.

Adjusting as an older immigrant!

1. Recognize that you are in a foreign land and don't expect the same treatment you got when in your own country. While your country of origin show lots of respect, your new country perhaps see respect differently. While Americans might call you by your first name (if you meet cultured ones they call you Mr. especially in Midwest/Southern states) they actually do respect in their own way (except if you live in big cities like New York).

Adjust to not having a driver, and people calling you Sir and carrying your suitcase as you come into the office.

See the disrespect more as one of the culture shock issue rather than take things personal.

2. Study the culture of your country of origin or even your locality. While I'm not asking you to adopt the culture of your country of abode, it is important to know it because you'll be dealing with the people. My four months as a car salesman taught me a lot about the American culture (especially Jersey people) and it helped in my dealings with people, knowing the financial system in America and of course to sell cars. At least I stopped thinking "pants" were "underwear" and quit calling intersection "T-junction".

3. Speak with other Africans that you admire and are successful in their vocations; they'll tell you their own pay time and success stories. I can tell you without a shadow of doubt that with God on your side (which He always is, when you are not in perpetual sin or an unrepentant heart) and excellence on your part, it is a matter of time before your hard-works are rewarded. I paid my dues starting over in my industry (transportation - international express) and in time I got my reward in corporate America. In ministry, there were tough times as well, but with God's grace and an excellence spirit, doors are opening wide in more than eight denominations worldwide, appointment to city and state-wide committees, radio opportunities, being a newspaper and on-line columnist and many more opportunities to share my passion are literarily being opened without me knocking doors down, the way I was doing earlier on in the ministry.

4. Clearly map out your passion on paper and decide what you want to pursue (Habakkuk 2: 3). One thing I've noticed among immigrants is that the people that host them initially have a lot to do with what they eventually do, so it really depends on the host's perspective (either narrow or broad). Many Africans are actually driving cabs today because of who hosted then when they came into America and now they feel stuck.

This is a country where people are changing careers at age 60 (I had a friend in NJ who went into radio broadcasting, specifically to prisoners at 60 and I met him at age 82) and still made it big in the new career. Speak to many people, determine your passion and research a few options on-line and pursue your choice with vigor, knowing that there would be many hindrances along the way, but like the old Negro spiritual song said "we shall overcome".

5. Support from family - while someone with mild depression might be tough to deal with, in-terms of procrastination, they way to deal with them is not forcing them to write "application", or tell them that they are lazy, they are already down because they cant be the providing husband and father that they used to be. The wife should go out of her way to highlight the positive things that he is doing and bring up other issues in love e.g. "hey, honey - you must have been tired from working around the house all day, you know I saw something in the newspaper today that might interest you" hand over the paper and go into your room to pray.

Men, avoid taking out your frustration on your wife and children, they are not responsible for you making the decision to relocate even though it was made for the betterment of the family. Take your frustration to the Lord in prayer. Don't read meaning to how people talk to you, it will set you back - "if it is not what it is people like you wont be talking with me". Even, when insulted don't take it personally, if it is someone you can relate to, let the person know about your feeling and then move on. Focus on your goal and look beyond the obstacles.

Remember, our biggest obstacle is not the racism or our accent, it is our mindset.