The ever so dedicated "staff", at Naija Rooney Commentary [NRC], in our "infinite wisdom", through several hours of hard-work and research, have been able to get hold of the contents of this lecture series and are hereby ready to release it to the public.
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 e have heard lots of agitation from US based
Nigerians regarding the impending visits of three
former Nigerian dictators in the persons Muhammedu
Buhari, IBB and Abubakar to Chicago in honor of the
Abdulsalaami Lecture Series scheduled to take place on
the grounds of the predominantly black Chicago State
University. The three dictators are billed to arrive
the Windy City on Feb. 23, to attend the lecture which
is also being attended by the likes of Ali Mazrui, the
kenyan scholar at Binghampton University in New York.
Since the story broke, I have been wondering what
exactly would be the contents of this so-called
lecture series since we all know that none of the
three dictators are smart men neither are they known
for their indebt scholarship. So the ever so dedicated
"staff", at Naija Rooney Commentary [NRC], in our
"infinite wisdom", through several hours of hard-work
and research, have been able to get hold of the
contents of this lecture series and are hereby ready
to release it to the public.
The lecture, we understand, would have three
sections---the first section dealing with human
rights, the second, with corruption and the third, the
presidential ambition of IBB. Indeed, IBB is set to
make his case [a strong one we are told] to the US
based Nigerians as to why he deserves a second coming
just like Obasanjo. And so we begin with the first
heading of human rights and the sub-topics to be
discussed under that heading.
The Abdulsalaami Lecture Series: February 23, 2001,
Chicago State University, Chicago, Illinois. USA.
AGENDA:
SECTION I--HUMAN RIGHTS: 9 A.M. to 12:00 NOON.
LOCATION: THE SLAUGHTER ROOM IN THE BUILDING CLOSE TO
THE FIRING RANGE:
- How to annul presidential elections---by IBB.
- How to apply a law retrospectively and execute
three US based Nigerian students under that law even
though the law was not in existence when they
committed their crimes---by Buhari.
- How to kill a journalist who is about to reveal
your drug involvement with a letter bomb---by IBB.
- How to drug and kidnap a fugitive in Britain---by
Buhari.
- How to kill a political prisoner in the presence of
visiting Americans---by Abubakar.
- Ten ways to repress Christians----by Buhari.
- How to traffic in drugs, smoke some on the side and
claim that you are innocent---by IBB.
- How to try coupists in kangaroo courts and kill
them in the middle of the night---by IBB.
- How to pretend to try human right violators and let
it drag until you leave office---by Abubakar.
- How to stay in office for less than a year and
hand over to a civilian government and become an
instant international statesman of unsurpassed
reputation---by Abubakar.
- How to travel to 101 countries in nine months as
president---by Abubakar.
- How to repress Nigerians and tell them you are
doing it for their own good---by Buhari, IBB and
Abubakar.
- How to kill students whose only weapon is their
tongue---by IBB.
- The many uses of the "sweetened" tea----Abubakar.
- Thank Allah for "Sweatened tea"---by Abubakar.
SECTION II--CORRUPTION: 1:00 P.M. TO 3:00 P.M.:
LOCATION: IN THE CHOPPING ROOM ACROSS THE STREET FROM
THE SWISS CONSULATE:
- An introductory course to The Principles of
Embezzlement---by IBB.
- An intermediary course to The Principles of
Embezzlement---by IBB.
- An advanced course to The Principle of Embezzlement
---by IBB.
- A refresher course to The Principles of
Embezzlement---by IBB, [only those who have taken
courses 1, 2 and 3 above would be allowed to attend
this session].
- How we took Nigerians to the cleaners and laughed,
not smiled, all the way to the [Swiss] bank---by IBB
and Abubakar.
- O', how much I love the Petroleum Trust Fund--by
Buhari.
- How we fuel the Swiss economy---by IBB and
Abubakar.
- How I wish my deputy were a crook so I can deep my
hand into the cookie jar---by Buhari.
- I meant 419 to be the equivalent of 911 in the
US--I was misunderstood---by IBB.
- How to ask Nigerians if they want an IMF loan and
when they say "NO", how to proceed anywhere---by IBB.
- One hundred and one ways to use the oil windfall
from the gulf war--by IBB.
- How to quit office, retired all the senior
officers, but one, hand over to an appointed civilian
and tell Abacha, its your turn---by IBB.
- O', how I wish I wasn't that strict when I was in
office, I would have had my own jet now instead of
hitch-hiking a flight from IBB each time---by Buhari.
- How to have window dressing programs for rural
women and use that to steal as much as you want---by
IBB.
- Financial Management: How to build a 50-room, $50
million mansion in your home state on a General's
merger salary---by IBB.
- Tips on becoming a billionaire. Tip #1, become the
president of Nigeria---by IBB.
- How to empty your country's foreign reserves in
less than nine months---by Abubakar.
SECTION III: TOP TEN REASONS WHY I SHOULD RETURN AS
PRESIDENT BY IBB: 4:00 P.M. TO 6 P.M.: LOCATION: ROOM
FIVE, ALSO KNOWN AS "THE WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER ROOM"
ACROSS FROM "THE WHEN PIGS FLY ROOM."
- 10. I want to tell Nigerians why they call me
Maradona.
- 9. If Obasanjo can do it why can't I do it.
- 8. You aren't seen nothing yet. there is more where
that came from.
- 7. My coming back has nothing to do with money. You
see, I have stolen enough to last ten life times.
Don't you need someone who has already done all his
stealing and would now focus on the job?
- 6. Nigeria needs an experienced hand to rule her, that
way, it can save its money in training its president.
You see, I am experienced, I have killed before and I
know how to do it with my eyes closed. I need no
training in this regard anymore.
- 5. I need to go back to Aso Rock because I forgot my
bags of cocaine in one of the bedrooms. I think its
the Abacha bedroom.
- 4. You see, I need to become president again so I can
create another state out of Delta---we shall call it
the Maryam Babangida state and its capital shall be
called "Ibrahim."
- 3. I need to remind Nigerians what austerity means
again and how to devalue the naira. It seems they have
forgotten all about the lessons I gave them in the
eighties.
- 2. A lot of people have been accusing me of stealing
money---I need to become president again and tell them
how honest I am.
- 1. You see, I need to come back and build the roads,
schools and infrastructures I forgot to build. I need
to equip our universities and create jobs for our
youths. I need to give the people water, electricity
and health care. Infact, I need to give Nigerians a
fresh start. I knew I was forgetting something in all
my eight years in office. Now I remember. Hmmmmmm,
what did I do with my time then?
DINNER: 7:00 P.M. TO 9 P.M. GUEST OF HONOR---RETIRED
FIELD MARSHALL IDI AMIN DADA, FORMER DICTATOR OF
UGANDA. MENU: "FRESHLY EXECUTED MEAT". LOCATION: THE
CANNIBAL BANQUET HALL ACROSS FROM THE SLAUGHTER ROOM.
REMEMBER, THE SLAUGHTER ROOM IS THE ONE CLOSE TO THE
FIRING RANGE.
Join me next time for another edition of Naija Rooney
Commentary. Until then, this is yours truly, TDW,
signing off and saying, so long, my worthy compatriot.
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