FEMI AWODELE'S HOUSE CALL

Femi AwodeleSunday, May 8, 2016
christiancouples.org
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THE WHAT/WHY OF DOMESTIC ABUSE IN NIGERIA (AND AFRICA)


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he Nigerian internet scene is currently dominated by this article - https://www.bellanaija.com/2016/05/a-sad-case-of-domestic-violence-ronke-shonde-was-beaten-to-death-by-her-husband-in-lagos/ - hence my writing.

We are all aware of what domestic abuse is, we are all aware that it happens at the highest level, we are all aware of one that happened in our family - the family secret or know the Mom of our friend who died after “a brief illness” when she wasn’t sick and went to work the day before. So, this article will not be about the horror of domestic abuse but about where it came from and the solution.

As humans, we are a product of our nature and nurture. Our spiritual nature is sinful – it defaults to self rather than to others, it seeks what it thinks is good for self first. Our biological nature includes our physical features and personalities – aggressive, passive-aggressive and passive. People with an aggressive personality (anywhere in the world) are very prone to abuse in their relationships.

Our nurture is the environment and what we are taught in that environment, our family of origin, our community, our church, our schools, our extended family, etc. some of what we are taught are deliberate while some are learnt sub-consciously. In the African culture, domestic abuse was both taught and tolerated for a long time, and even among many (including faith circles) it is still tolerated an excused, even justified.

When someone with a natural tendency to abuse due to personality (aggressive or very assertive passivity) – Aggressive people tend to explode while determined passive people plan out their vengeance and execute flawlessly. This explains abuse worldwide. However, when we in Nigeria and Africa add, tolerance from the culture to abuse then we take it to another level.

It is not uncommon to hear older mothers, say “what did you do to deserve being beaten like this?”, or extended family patriarchs sending an abused wife or daughter back to the abuse(r) because they don’t want divorce in the family. From ministry experience, I have also come to know that men (and few women – Philadelphia US - 2015) who eventually kill their spouse do not do so deliberately (very few plan it), rather it occurs when layers of unresolved anger turn into one episode of “fits of rage” – this is when the man or woman in question have no control of him/herself anymore, but is acting based on rapid hormonal avalanche (this is why many plead not guilty in court).

So what is the solution to this problem, instead of being mad or writing articles/blogs whenever it happens?

First, we need a strong or couple of NGOs by women of substance like a Mrs. Dolapo Osibajo or a Mrs. Folu Adeboye that would champion such a cause. It must be done taking religion into consideration (Nigeria is religious), basically explaining scriptures better, instead of the current culture/bible mix.

Second, there must be a national media (old and new media) campaign, sponsored perhaps by the NGO in collaboration with levels of government, and featuring popular men and women (of all faiths) in the ad – with the aim of changing the culture, more like the “Andrew don’t check out” campaign, level.

Third, house of Faiths (particularly Islam and Christianity) – must devote some time to teaching on the issue, perhaps a series on what the Bible really say. I would be more than happy to come teach the teachers (pastors and corporate leaders) in Abuja and Lagos (or other major cities) on what the Bible really say about Man and Woman (in marriage) relationship.

If you are in a regular (more than once) domestic (physical) abuse situation – it is OK to immediately share with spiritual leadership and your family (I do counsel not to share other issues with family) and LEAVE THE ENVIRONMENT, not so you divorce but so the “root cause” of abuse mentality in the abusive spouse can be dealt with in counseling (anger management and change in thinking) if he/she desires change.

Please note that domestic abuse is not a Western, African or Asia problem alone, it is a humanity problem, but more serious in cultures where women are perceived and seen as properties, rather than equal in essence, but told to recognize the headship of the man in an administrative setting.

It is my prayer that the above suggestions will find a home in your heart, so we can help transform our culture.

Remain blessed

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