BAYO'S PERISCOPE |
Dr. Samuel Bayo Arowolaju | Tuesday, June 21, 2005 |
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INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE (PART III):
MARRIAGE KILLERS AND HOME DESTROYERS
n Marriage Institution: A Theological and Sociological Perspective Part II, we saw how and why marriage became a theological and sociological issue. Those who claim not to believe in God or have any relationship with Him, and therefore, will deny the theological perspective, will however admit having relationships with other people as they live in a human society, which defines or impacts the sociological perspective of this topic. In this third part, we will highlight some of what have increasingly become the greatest threats to the stability and sustenance of the institution of marriage and home in a godly way. If you like, call them Weapons of Marriage and Home Destruction (WMHD).
Marriage was meant to last forever by the God who made the first marriage; in the same way man and woman were made to live forever. A perfect God made a perfect man and woman with a perfect union - marriage before they became their own enemies by allowing a third party to come into their relationship. This third party succeeded not only in destroying the perfect relationship between the couple but also and most importantly and painfully, the perfect relationship between them and God their Creator. Like every other thing made by God, the institution of marriage was perfectly made. Adam was the Mr. Right for Eve who also was the Miss Right for him. This situation was made clear by the expression of Adam in the very first time he saw Eve. He said: "This is now the bone of my bones and the flesh of my flesh and she shall be called woman". This declaration was very profound and significant then, and till today, it is still very profound and significant.
The word "Now," in the statement, confirms the reason for the creation of the woman, which was the loneliness of the man. The word 'Now' could be interpreted to mean: "At last, after all these time, and having searched for so long". It will be recalled that the man first searched for his companion from among "every beast of the field and every bird of the air" but for Adam, there was no companion or helper comparable or suitable for him (Genesis 19 and 20). The expression "bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh" simply means that Eve was a perfect match for Adam, a mirror and likeness of him, the likeness and completeness he did not find among the company of animals and birds that God first sent to him to find a companion. Till today, any lover of pet; dog or cat or whatever, who says that such pet is a better companion than a man or a woman, will only be expressing his/her frustration and inability to find a suitable mate, as no animal can be a better mate than fellow human being. It is in the same way a man may never be complete without a woman to be the replacement of the bone which God removed from his side.
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Let us look at it this way. Man was created in the likeness of God and in His wisdom the same God made the woman from the bone of man and hence, in the likeness of man, which is the likeness of God. By this, God maintains the equality between the man and the woman before Him. It is the same chemistry and relationship that flows between the Sun and the Moon. The Moon, being a weaker light, draws his power from the Sun, yet, the two are created and maintains equality before God as the "two great lights in the firmament of the heavens" (Genesis 1:14-18). As the Sun and the Moon are different in their kinetic powers and yet, are the same light before God who made them to rule day and night, so, man and woman are different in their physical powers and yet, the same mankind equal before God who made them to have dominion over the earth; though the woman is still "a weaker partner" (1 Peter 3:7).
And Adam gave her name, woman. This was just a continuation of the godly authority that God gave to Adam to give names to all other animals of the field and the birds of the air. Till today, the man either as a father or husband still exercises the same godly authority over the woman. The father exercises authority over his daughter and the day he gives her to a man in marriage, he legally, morally, culturally, and socially transferred this authority to the man who took her as a wife. Symbolically, it means, the woman exchanges the authority and cover of her father for the authority and cover of her husband. This is why the woman drops the name of her father and takes that of her husband after marriage, at least in most civilized cultures, except for some women who are married to their career, fame or fortune and "do not want to lose their identity." In my opinion, this, on its own, is another form of rebellion, not only against the man or constituted authority, but also against God from whom all power and authority flow. Let me say that I am not unaware that many does not like this godly arrangement, it is in the same way that many do not like God and His ways. Yet, their unbelief, attitudes, rebellion or dislike cannot change God, His words, His ways, and His wills.
From the above, readers will see that the tone of this part is a continuation of the last part, which is the theology and sociology of marriage and family. Since God is the Creator of man and woman, and also the institution of marriage and family, to take God out of the marriage and home, is to take the Shark out of the Atlantic Ocean to the Kalahari Desert. We can better imagine the discomfort, agonies, aches and pains the Shark will suffer before its eventual death. The same goes for the marriage and home that is taken out of God's will, God's words and God's ways. It will suffer so much discomfort, agonies, aches, pains, and death because Satan and his demons would have taken over. Remember Satan is the one who has come to kill, to maim, and to destroy. The truth of the theology of family is that the closer a couple is to God; the closer the two will be to one another. A third party comes not only in between couples but also between couples and God.
Unfortunately that is what is happening in many marriages and homes today. In the Garden of Eden, when Adam and his wife Eve were still living according the words, ways, and will of God, there was harmony, love, peace, and prosperity in their home, which was a Paradise on Earth. Unfortunately, the very moment they disobeyed God and set His words aside and follow Satan, crises entered their marriage, their home, their lives and the life of the children. Sin, hardship, aches, discomfort, lack, want, hatred, antagonism, envy, jealousy, and death both spiritual and physical entered their home. Today, many couples have patterned their marriage and home after Mr. and Mrs. Adam who lived on Disobedient Avenue, Garden of Eden. This was after they allowed the third party, Mr. Serpent into their marriage and home, disguising as a friend.
A third party let loose without boundaries in any marriage is as good as a Marriage Killer and a Home Destroyer. God in His wisdom limited marriage to between a man and a woman. Let us see the wisdom of God in His creation story of the man and the woman. God who created just one man was capable of creating more than that one at a time. If He chose, he could have populated the whole earth with millions of men at the same time that only Adam was created. Again the same God in His wisdom took only one bone and not two or more from the side of the man, and made it into only one woman. Also, if He chose, He could have created millions of women from that single bone but He did not. By the time Adam and Eve were married there was no other human being on the face of the earth. By His words and actions, God deliberately made marriage for two to start with and by His intention, the two should gradually become one in what till now is still the mystery of a good and godly marriage. That is, where two different people will become one, which they were in the beginning, before the making of Eve.
Marriage is a very precious property of greater value than gold, diamond, or other precious gems. As nobody owns and keeps his/her gems carelessly and unprotected from rot, decay, and thieves or vandals, so, in the same way, our marriage should not be left unprotected from such rot, decay, thieves or vandals or other enemies or threats, to which our marriage are today opened to everyday either wittingly or unwittingly. Most of us have been too trusting or too loving that we failed to set necessary parameters beyond which outsiders including friends should not go into our relationships.
Let us quickly say here and now that the scope of this topic on Marriage Institution is so wide that it will take volumes of books to cover it all and these articles cannot pretend to want to do that. It is our hope in this series however to raise awareness of many who are either suffering or struggling in their marriage and home to seek help before it is too late. It is also to tell those who have good wives and husbands to do everything to keep their marriage and home away from these intruders, no matter whom they are. I believe that there are no bad husbands and wives, but there are men or women who are either not ready or willing to work on their marriage; or men or women who do not know how to work on their marriage relationships. There are some still, who derive pleasures outside their homes not necessarily in illicit relationships, but what they have created as substitutes for their bad relationship, from which they have joy they could not create within their homes. Examples here are men who stay late at work or who take overtimes or official trips instead of returning to their troubled homes. There are some women who under the pretences of working for God, spend hours in churches, with church members or on church related activities instead of staying home and working on their marriage.
Every marriage needs work and couples, who are willing and ready to work real hard, enjoy a lasting marital relationship and end up turning their homes into an earthly paradise, which it is suppose to be. Those who do not, end up either enduring the aches and pains of their bleeding marriage instead of enjoying a healthy, loving, serene, and pleasure filled marriage and home. These unfortunate couples continue in their suffering and smiling in pretenses, dragging their children into this unfortunate saga along the way. The pretenses might be for the fear of what others might say, forgetting that nobody, not even their parents or genuine advisors or counselors, can know where their shoes pinch. Others who cannot suffer in silence quit, when they feel they have suffer enough.
Three is a crowd in marriage as marriage is made for two by God Himself. Anything that is capable of coming between a husband and wife is a third party, which makes the marriage a crowd. All such thing, I have labeled Marriage Killers and Home Destroyers because that is what they do. They have never helped but continue to hurt marriages and families. The lists of these 'anything' are many and varied, but we shall only be able to discuss briefly a few of them to increase the awareness of the readers. So that those who can still defend and protect their marriage would stand guard and firm; while those who have lost out to these enemies would learn their lessons for another future opportunity. This list does not follow any order of importance as what is important to people varies.
Self: This sounds strange and maybe ludicrous to some people, yet, it is true. In some cases or in many cases of marriage crisis, we are our own enemies. Marriage is a choice and particularly the person we marry is our own personal choice. So, when and if we make the wrong choice, we have prepared for killing and destroying our marriage even from the beginning. To fall in love may be a chance but taking a step further in deciding to marry is a choice we make. Another fact worthy of consideration is that no one goes into a marriage without seeing the red flag each time the partner raises one. What happens is that we pretend not too see those danger signs either out of sympathy, ignorance, or greed. Some people erroneously call all these 'blind love.' I beg to differ; there is nothing called blind love. Some of the times, it is what we are looking for in those relationships that blindfolds or beclouds our sense and sensibility or sense of objectivity. Unfortunately, soon after the marriage, the clouds are gone, our eyes opened, and we see more clearly those faults we never wanted to see, or pretended not to see.
Boundaries: Another aspect of self as a crowd or intruder, and marriage killer and home destroyer is our inability to set boundaries in our relationships right from the time of courtship or dating and on into marriage. If you have a landed property without a well defined boundary, you have no excuse when your neighbors or even your best friend trespasses or encroaches on and gradually take over your property. A house owner without a door in the house should never complain of unwelcome intruders. So be it with a relationship, marriage, and home without boundaries. You should not be surprised when and if your own best friend walks away with your wife or husband, because you have allowed him/her unhindered access into your marriage and home. Remember a stranger; even your best friend, can always only goes as far as you allowed him/her.
Friends: Beware of friends. I like those songs that say that there is no friend like Jesus and what a friend we have in Jesus. Growing up, my father used say to me: Bayo, don't pray and ask God to save you from your enemies because you can easily know them and run away from them or protect yourself when you see them. Ask God to save you from your friends because you will always widely open your doors for them to come in to you without protection. Dad, bless your soul; what a philosopher you were without my knowing. The number of years as friends is not a guarantor that the one you call your best friend will not betray you and stab you at your back.
I have seen where a best friend to a husband take sides of the wife in a family dispute, lied against the husband before the wife to gain her favor; severed relationships with the husband, a friend for 25 years, and switched side and became the best friend of the wife. That is not a friend but a marriage killer and home destroyer. A godly friend, who cannot bring peace to the home in crisis, will not take side not even with his old friend or say the least the wife but ceaselessly look for the lost love between the couple. He would not make himself the alternative love or find alternative love for the husband or the wife. No, no godly person or morally upright person will do that. It is because you call and regard him/her as a friend that you allowed him/her unhindered access or entry into your home and your marriage without boundary. Otherwise, the person you know as your enemy would not come in while you were not even home or in the least while you were home to take your wife/husband out without protestation from you.
You should not even be surprised if and when your best friend places himself/herself squarely in your position and take over not only your home but also your spouse. Friends are friends simply, and not your spouse; but a friend without boundaries can take the position of Satan, deceives and pretends to love your spouse more than you do. Remember that was what Satan did to Eve; he made her believe that God did not love her as much as he, Satan did. Today, there are many satanic agents out there even as church leaders. Whatever they may be called in disguise, they are marriage killers and home destroyers. The Bible says that by their fruits we shall know them, as most of them don't have a home or marriage of their own. I have discovered that many dogs are friendlier and more useful than many so-called friends. So, why not put on your door the big sign that reads: Beware of Friends instead of Beware of Dogs.
Intolerable Tolerance: This might be strange to many, yes, but it is true. There are many things that we tolerate in relationships that should not be tolerated at all for the sake of the future. It is like trying to smell what you would not want to eat. A Yoruba philosophy says that even in poverty, you should not tolerate what would be intolerable to you in riches or wealth; otherwise you will not have the morality to reject it again. Self and boundaries provides the fact that you must always make sure that you don't tolerate what is unacceptable to you in the name of love. No, it is not love; it is allowing others to take advantage of you and calling you names; and there are many such people out there waiting for people like you. Some people tolerate the intolerable because they want to avoid conflicts. This is a great relational myth. There is no relationship without conflict. It is better to have conflicts and resolve them in love, understanding, and appreciating one another than to want to avoid what will unavoidably destroy the relationship. Avoiding conflict today is postponing the evil day till another day, which will surely come with an explosion of a greater magnitude. With protest, there is no progress.
To be continued