BAYO'S PERISCOPE

Dr. Samuel Bayo ArowolajuWednesday, June 8, 2005
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INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE (PART II):
A THEOLOGICAL AND SOCIOLOGICAL PERSPECTIVE



ALSO SEE
Part I: A study of the Yoruba nation


art I of this article published on nigeriaworld.com can best be described as an introduction. Let me publicly acknowledge all the overwhelming responses I received from the readers of this article. Most of my previous articles have received worldwide commendations though not without some condemnations or protestations which are not uncommon with vibrant feature articles. I will however have to confess that none of my previous articles has received such a global appeal, approval, and with many asking for more. From Australia to Zimbabwe, from academicians to zoo keepers; and our honorable home makers were not left out. A reader from Oman surprised me when he said that from his analysis of the articles he concluded that I must have been a "Great Akokites" as the Alumni of the University of Lagos, Nigeria are called. This was shocking as it is true. A friend and a colleague at work later assured me that it is possible to know a writer by his/her writing including the college attended. Unnhn, I didn't know. Even Afro centric non-Africans sent their words of appreciations and encouragement.


It was while I was still wondering why the article generated such a worldwide acceptance and interest or received such a tremendous readership that another writer wrote and helped me without knowing by saying that the article had struck the core of all human organizations. No human organization including its divisive religions can be created or established and sustained without the family, which is a product of marriage in whatever form or format some may have or define it today.

I had hoped to make this article a two-part series. That has become increasing impossible if I will not disappoint the expectations of many who have become interested in the discussion of marriage as a respected but fast becoming an endangered human institution. I am going to dedicate this part II to attempting to provide answers to some of the questions asked or meeting some of the requests made by some of the readers. Let me however apologize for my inability to respond individually to all who wrote back, as I would have loved to do. It is in lieu of that, that I am writing this part II, hoping it will meet the needs for knowledge, education, and information.

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Having briefly discussed the historical and cultural nature of marriage institution in the first part, we will move to a fundamental product of marriage, which is the family. As soon as the marriage takes place, the husband and wife becomes the nucleus of what is universally known and called the family. It is therefore the aim of this part II, to examine the theological and sociological perspectives of the family.

The theological perspective is as important as it is unavoidable. There is no known human society that does not have a system of beliefs; though, there may be differences in what they all called God. As much as I don't intend to demean all other religions, I am going to limit my theological examples in this study, to Judaism-Christianity-Islam, with which I am familiar; though, at the neophyte level in one. It is also not my intention to promote of any of these religions but they are very relevant to the institution of marriage and family in a way that I will have to make references to their Holy Books, which I will generally refer to as scriptures. It is however suggested from the onset that readers will bear with me, as I don't intend to add to or remove from, what has been written.

Since there is no marriage or family without a relationship, we cannot discuss the theology of family without discussing the relationship of God with man. The Holy Books, The Bible and The Qur'an agree that God created man in His likeness. The Bible goes further with a clear teaching about the creation of the first man and woman, and the institution of marriage. This is to the effect that the woman was created from the man, and presented to him in what is the first established human relationship. When Adam saw Eve, he did not only identify her but he admired and appreciated her as his bone and flesh which he called woman. God thereafter completed the process of their creation by making them husband and wife (Gen.2: 21-25). The Qur'an might not have presented the same story in the same way as the Bible but it however presented an allegorical teaching about the creation of the woman from the man when it says: "O mankind! Reverence your Guardian - Lord Who created you from a single person, created, of like nature, his mate, and from them twain scattered (like seeds) countless men and women" (Sura iv: 1).

Then we have to consider the covenanted relationship established between God and the children of Israel as the best example of what a relationship should be between husband and wife. The same relationship was established between the Church and Jesus to the Christians. I am going to base my discussion of the marriage and family relations on the model established by God himself and which is supported by the Judeo-Christian-Islamic religions. By rule of interpolation, interpretation, and explanation we can see the God/Israel relationships in the same light as the Christ/Church, husband/wife, and parent/child relationships all of which are governed by one covenant or the other.

Students of the Old Testament will agree that the pages of the Books are filled with many allegorical scriptures which can vividly be seen as God playing the roles of husband to his wife Israel. These are based on the covenants made with their fathers starting after the Flood with Noah, to Abraham, Isaac, Jacob; to Moses and King David. The Qur'an also confirms that God made covenant with the children of Israel. The Holy Book says: "O Children of Israel! Call to mind the special favor which I bestowed upon you and fulfill your Covenant with me as I fulfill my My Covenant with you, and fear none but me. O Children of Israel! Call to mind the special favor which I bestowed upon you and that I preferred you to all others for my Message" (Sura II: 40.47).

Now we can proceed to propose a hypothesis that a functional, happy, loving, and stable family is dependent in its relationships upon four Theo-Sociological concepts of covenant and not contract; grace and not law, which come from the realm of Theology. It also need for its survival and sustenance empowerment rather than power; and intimacy and not distance, which flows from the fountain of social relations to which Sociology belongs. If you are wondering where I am taking you to, don't worry, we are almost there. There is a need for this type of Theo-Sociological constructions or foundations as they will enhance our knowledge and enlighten our understanding of the points which will follow. Theology comes in because God is involved and sociology comes in because it supports the institution of marriage even for those who are not religious.

Right from the Garden of Eden, God established His relationship with man. In spite of man's oblivious to his loneliness, God in His compassion and love looked down from heaven and said that it was not good for man to be alone. He therefore made the woman from and for man and brought them together as husband and wife. Whatever the variation according to the dictates of culture, tradition, religion, and rituals today, it is the same Edenic marriage between Adam and Eve that is repeated or reenacted in homes, parks, clubs, shrines, temples, churches, and mosques all over the world today. The same truth about the word of God remains constant: it is not good for man to be alone. A man may be eternally incomplete without a woman by her side to replace that bone that was removed without a replacement by a wise God. Since man and woman were created in the same image and likeness of God, I will say that it is also not good for a woman to stay alone without a man.

A stable, nurturing, and functional or sustaining family need to have in place a system of covenanted relationships between its members; the most primary of which, are the husband and wife. This becomes the first theological perspective or model in our study of marriage and family. Such covenant must be godly in type and nature, in a way that it must be unconditionally entered into in the same way that God entered into covenants with the children of Israel, a fact supported by the Holy Books. God in that relationship was typically the husband while Israel was the wife. For instance, before and after the Flood, God entered into an unconditional covenant with Noah to enter the Ark with his family and two of every living thing (Genesis 6:18, 9:9-10). The same teaching is supported by the Holy Qur'an in Sura xxii: 23-28. Then, later, through Abraham, God continued or re-established His unconditional and unilateral covenant with the children of Israel (Genesis 15:18, 17:1-7), which is comparable to and compatible with the teaching of the Holy Qur'an narrative in Sura II: 40, 47. We will come back to this later.

The major point of note from the above scriptural passages about the godly covenant is that it was unilateral and based entirely on God's wishes and desires or actions; irrespective of what Noah or Abraham felt or did or whether they liked it or not. God was the sole 'signatory' to his covenants. Therefore, it was not contractual and hence, there was no provision for any breach of contract either by a faithful God who can never break or breach His own covenant or by an unfaithful man whom God knows his weaknesses and frailties. It is however worthy of note that God expected a response in the form of obedience or keeping the covenant, but any response or no response did not determine God's keeping His everlasting covenant. This goes to say that although, God's covenant is unconditional, reaping the benefits or harvesting the fruits of God's covenant is conditional on obedience by the people, which is the only thing they or their generations after generations have to do. God therefore, made His covenant very unconditionally elastic, in a way that Abraham did not have to do anything then to make his future generations reap that godly covenant, if only they choose to obey God.

Let me make this more real, if the above is complicated. In the family, a parent has an unconditional covenant of love to minister to the needs of his/her baby; even from the womb, through the means of pre-natal care. This continues from the very day the child is born. This is no contract between the parent and the baby because there is no way the child either as a fetus or baby contributes to the decision of the parent to love and nurture his child. It was a unilateral action taken by the parent, irrespective of what the child felt, wished or did, or whether the child liked it or not. But the parental expectation is that a time will come when this baby will grow well enough to maturity and be able to love the parents in return. It is only then the unilateral love and relationship will become bilateral, since the parent and child will now be in a mutual relationship and love. That is where the principle of loving and being loved comes in a relationship. Here, the parent is only following the example of God himself, who gave His unconditional love to humanity as recorded by Apostle John. For God so loved the world that He gave His only beloved Son that those who believe in him will have eternal life (John3:16) It is further said that, we love God because He first loved us (1John 4:10). So, God first gave His unconditional love, which is reciprocated by an appreciative child - a believer, who loves God back.

The above theological concept can translate to a sociological one when the concept of covenanted love is brought to bear on a familial relationship. This is possible because or if the covenanted relationship is conditioned upon unconditional commitment by members of the family group; in this case, especially by the husband and wife. All covenanted relationships with a unilateral commitment as seen in God's covenants have the potential of blossoming and blooming into a bilateral relationship. The initial one-way (unilateral) love either from the man or the woman should normally change over time to a two-way (bilateral) love between the couple at a particular stage of maturity. The main reason why this model is present in a love or romantic relationship is that some people are more easily or quickly committed to a relationship than the others. The presenting problem here, however, is that many men or women are not usually patient enough for the other person to "heat up." In all His covenanted relationships with man, God expects His initial unilateral act to be reciprocated and become bilateral later. For instance, He first loves us unilaterally and unconditionally and we later loved him in return (1 John 4:10), and thus, the unilateral became bilateral love.

I am not oblivious of the fact that many men and women often take for granted the one who gives unconditional unilateral love with the hope that the other person will love in return later. This is what makes the difference between man and God. This is why God will for ever be God who does not really depend on us for anything. Neither our love nor hate, can change him. This is why His love for us is covenanted and not contractual. Our not being part of His covenant does not abrogate it, or change his mind. We can only deny ourselves of the expected benefits with our act of disobedience. Unfortunately today, most marriages have become contractual instead of being covenanted. "For better I stay, for worse I go, in good health I stay but in bad health I am off. When the economy is blooming he is a darling but when he is doomed for lack of job, he becomes a nanny." These are some of the many unspoken words one can hear in many homes today.

The use of covenanted relationship as it is modeled upon unconditional commitment and unilateral love is what Yoruba traditional or customary marriage is built upon. Though the dating process is negotiated by the parents, yet, from day one, an unconditional commitment based on covenanted and not contractual relationship is established by, and between the parents and later transferred to the spouses. Even after young men and women started getting involved in the courtship process, the relationship was based on unconditional commitment right away, as no young woman will ever accept to start courtship with a man who is not committed to her and her future matrimonial security from the first day. Such men were tagged as "not serious." In this relationship, a bilateral and mutual commitment is later developed between the husband and wife usually after marriage, which makes divorce so rare and almost unheard of among Yoruba in those good old days. Unlike in those cultured and disciplined days, young men and women these days are afraid of any form of commitment towards a future marital relationship. In stead, they are more committed to their immediate gains and gratifications from a relationship that is built on quick sand of materialism and sex.

Another theological perspective or model for the marriage and family is the doctrine of grace, which is popularly referred to as unmerited favor of God. This is very remarkable when we remember that God chose the nation of Israel among other nations. He did not stop there. He took them to the lands that belonged to other nations; and helped to drive those nations out of their lands. Such nations include the Amorites and Moabites who are cousins of the children of Israel; being grandchildren of Lot, the first cousin of Abraham. Then the question might be: "Why did God have to do this for Israel and not to another nation?" I like the way The Qur'an exposes this grace of God for Israel: "O Children of Israel! Call to mind the special favor which I bestowed upon you and fulfill your Covenant with me as I fulfill My Covenant with you, and fear none but me. O Children of Israel! Call to mind the special favor which I bestowed upon you and that I preferred you to all others for my Message" (Sura II: 40 and 47). There is nothing in the two Holy Books that showed that the Israelites got what they got as of right or deservingness. No. That is what grace is all about, special favor and not a reward for any good deed otherwise no nation, and not Israel in the least would have merited it.

What God did to the children of Israel, He has extended to everyone who comes to Him today and who belongs to His family through Christ Jesus. If God is to deal with humanity according to His standard of morality or right and wrong, the whole world was over due for another Flood or to be visited like Sodom and Gomorrah. A merciful God has however extended His grace to us and that is why most of us sleep in sin everyday; yet, He wakes us to His new day. It is through His grace that we are forgiven. If God treats members of His family this way, then it behooves us to do the same thing to our family. Some of the times, our children are nutty and stubborn and we overlook their misdeeds because we say that they are children without mens rea. That is a little measure of grace. We can extend that to the adult members of the family also. We must be ready to forgive and be forgiven. Forgiveness is not the same thing as forgetfulness as some preachers will want people to believe. Forgetfulness is a neurological problem, which needs medical attention. Any one who forgets too soon and too often needs to see a doctor, as forgetfulness is one of the effects of Alzheimer's disease.

The opposite of grace is law. If we all have to be treated according to our societal laws, we will need a jail house on every street for those of us who breach the law daily. This is why God in His wisdom and compassion substituted His law with His grace for His children. It is by His grace that we are saved not by our work or goodness. So, let us take legalism away from our family relations also. Let us remove contractual relationships and put in place a covenanted relationship which emphasizes grace at the expense of law. Where grace abounds freedom abounds too, and freedom is what we all need within the home and family. Legalism expects perfection, which nobody can give. Grace expects faith in He who alone is perfect. This is why one who steals one dollar and another one who steals one million dollars are both thieves in the eyes of the law. On the other hand, grace imputes the perfection of the one who is perfect - God, through Jesus Christ because He knows that in our imperfect state, we cannot fulfill the law.

There is a Christian doctrine that teaches that our salvation does not come from our obedience to the law but comes from our faith in Jesus Christ, only He who was obedient to the law even by His death on the Cross. This is why a husband or father in the home, who knows the rules and regulations, and who can always obey them, should be gracious enough not always to condemn or smack his seven year old who cannot even remember what the regulations are, let alone, obeying them all the time. So, when defining the roles and responsibilities in the family, we should always allow a frontal place for grace so that our rules and regulations are meant to enhance and not to repress and suppress members of the family. They should be to bring up and not to kill the best in the members. We should all learn to forgive and be forgiven; though it may be painful, it is not impossible.

The Sociological perspective or model for marriage and family deals with the issue of empowerment, which allows, encourages, and helps others to become who they are or who they want to be. It is the willingness not to control or enforce but to make others independent rather than subservient or dependent. In the day to day language, it is to give power to the powerless or the weak. In the home especially between the husband and wife, it is the way of recognizing the uniqueness in the ability, strength, qualities, and competence of each couple. Even children in the home should enjoy empowerment. Children are uniquely placed to help us to know how power is supposed to be used to serve others rather than to control them. We don't control our children, we serve them with love. It is the combination of power and love that makes empowerment. This teaches us that power should be used in the home to build others up and not to pull them down.

Did I say that husbands should be dummies who should lose control of their homes? No. Did I say that wives should usurp the position and authority of the husbands? No. I am only saying that powers and authorities in the home should be wielded sagaciously or exercised in the same way God deals with us. The authority of the husband over the wife comes from God and should be dictated by the sacrificial love of God. The authority of the husband in the home should be used in a way that the wife will be able to relate to him the way she will relate to the Lord in obedience and submission, and not out of fear and coercion. Where there is love there is freedom. In marriage, what empowerment does is to make a couple serve and be served in a way that selfishness becomes selflessness. The children should be given the appropriate age self-control even when it means that they would have to learn from their mistakes. If we become positive role models in their lives, their mistakes will be minimal and limited to those only necessary as training ground for their growth.

Intimacy, which is my favorite topic, is the other sociological value needed in marriage and family. Intimacy is one of the secrets of a successful marital relationship. Let quickly say here and now that intimacy is not sex. Intimacy is to know and be known especially between husband and wife; it is a product of many things including spending quality time together, love, openness or transparency. Unfortunately, intimacy has a lot of competitors in the home these days. These include the TV, Internet, Sports, Church, Friends, Children, Career, Hobbies, etc. Instead for couples to look into each others eyes, I mean listening and caring for the needs of one another, Soap Opera maybe the alternative. Some allows the children to come in between them. Others erroneously believe that the church is more important than their family, and will rather choose their church elders and friends than go with their husbands/wives, and children.

That is not only tragic, it is ungodly. Church is not synonymous with God as there are many churches today where there is no God or Christ the Founder of His true Church. In a godly relationship, nothing should come in between the godly husband and wife, not even their parents, the children or in the least, friends. Where care is not taken, easily, homes are broken and destroyed by friends or family or church members. God wants to know us in the same way we ought to know Him and except we spend quality time with God we cannot know Him. Simply, it is only if and when we spend quality time with our husband and wife in particular; and the children and family in general, that they get to know one another intimately. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, should take the place of that quality time together from us. I bet you, if you spent your quality time with TV, before long, you will know all the programs and the time they are aired in all the channels. That is the power of quality time but it is what we sow that we shall reap. It is on what we spend our quality time that matters.

Where there is intimacy, there are no masks of deception. There will be no use for fig leaves. Deepest thoughts of the hearts will be confidently shared with not only hearing ears but most importantly also with listening hearts; and the understanding of what is the next best thing to be done. Differences will be valued, appreciated, and coordinated for positive use; opinions will be sincere and honest, and hence respected. Suggestions and promises will be honored. It is only in the presence of intimacy that sacrificial love can thrive, shame and fear will be replaced with trust and commitment. The home will become the earthly paradise where peace, joy, satisfaction, and happiness will be the four corner stones upon which the home is built; and LOVE will be the central pillar. I bet you, even when there is not much to eat and drink, the little that is available in the family, will be thankfully shared; with a united heartfelt faith, hope, and prayer to God who will meet them at the points of all their needs.

Join me again in the final part: The Marriage Killers and The Home Wreckers.

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Copyright - 2005 Dr. Samuel Bayo Arowolaju

ALSO SEE
Part I: A study of the Yoruba nation