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nwokoyeac@hotmail.com Upper Marlboro, MD, USA

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MARITAL TRAGEDIES AMONG NIGERIANS IN DIASPORA (PART II)

received a tremendous amount of feedback from readers all over the globe after my initial article titled: “Marital tragedies Among Nigerians in Diaspora” published in Nigeriaworld on Sunday September 14th 2006. Most of the people that wrote me had lots of positive comments about the subject and offered some valuable suggestions on how to help arrest the ugly situation of Nigerian spouses in foreign lands killing each other. Only a few respondents had negative comments about my article.

Since I cannot answer each and every one of them that wrote me about my article, I decided to put my replies out there so that many people that have same opinion but could not, due to one reason or another state them in form of writing or feedback to get their views shared.

The main aim of this follow up is to share with readers that some Nigerians are still in denial about the enormity of this problem. Also I want to share with readers some positive suggestions I received on the way forward in solving these social maladies. I will also discuss issues raised in some of the replies I got.

I will start from the negative comment. In responding to characters whose stories I shared in the article, one respondent asked me whether I was “making these [stories] up or what”?

I have a very simple answer to this: the stories are true life stories given by real people! They are sad stories about what happened to Nigerians like you and me. The names used in the stories are made up names to protect their identities but the stories are unfiltered.

Another respondent, one Mr. Emeka Ugochukwu, said:

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“Good write-ups in the Nigeriaworld site on problems which African couples living outside Africa go through and we should be comparing notes and exchanging views and possibly giving/getting advice on various issues as regards our various host countries rather celebrating TRAGEDIES and wanting (Enough is Enough/Nigerians lets stop killing our wives) to become a Nobel laureate from our own shame”

Mr. Ugochukwu was apparently referring to my article and that of Rev Chima K. Ekeke’s titled “Enough is Enough/Nigerians Let’s Stop Killing Our Wives” published on Tuesday August 29 2006. In answer to this, let me say that anyone that actually read the article will observe that in the first paragraph, I gave the aim of the article which was to initiate discussion about finding a solution to the problem. I do not claim to have an answer to the problem. These problems that we Nigerians in Diaspora have cannot be easily solved unless we put heads together and figure out ways to nip it in the bud. So we are comparing notes and exchanging views. Nobody is celebrating tragedies of our countrymen and women. I am not scheming to be a Nobel Laureate and I know that Rev Ekeke has made name for himself as an inspirational writer and love his country and his people, Nigeria and is not trying to earn cheap popularity. We are not scheming to be the next “Wole Soyinka” or “Chinua Achebe” because we were pointing out problems affecting our people living in foreign land.

My opinion based on what Mr. Ugochukwu said in his letter to me was that he did not read the write up or he just breezed through it. People should take time and read something before drawing conclusions or making such unwarranted negative criticisms. You do not form an opinion about something that you don’t even read. I accept criticisms for anything I say in form of writing in a public forum and take responsibility for them. I welcome people to critique my work but do not impute any ulterior motive about my writing or question my personal integrity.

Another respondent, Mr. Chris E. Oyobio brought a tribal connotation to the controversy. He said:

“Please try and show me the % of those figure properly and I will try and let you know that you missed the point on who, where and which is being talked about in your writing. Call a spade a spade. The experience you are writing about is basically what happens in the Ibo community and not a Nigerian illness. I am a community leader in the Washington DC area and my influence covers the USA and England so I know what I am talking. When things happen to Nigerians here I am always concern but when Nigerians write badly about Nigerians, I am very concern also.

“Tell the people about your illness and they will fine a cure for it but when you take an illness that is very serious and not let anyone know as you are doing, no one will have a cure for you. Express your experience with other tribes and they will tell you about theirs and from there you can understand other peoples view points on how to solve your marital problem.

“Finally your writing is based on your experience within the Ibo community in Diaspora so please give me a break!”

When I got the response, I was amazed as the cocky attitude of the writer. Now, I don’t know who Mr. Oyobio is or what tribe he comes from or represent; or what community in the Washington DC area he leads. What I do know is that many Nigerians of diverse ethnic groups who are currently living abroad have tasted in one way or the other this strange development of marital disagreement leading to divorce or even to tragedy.

I stand corrected, but a Howard University star medical student, Ms Abere Karibi-Ikiriko, who was convicted of killing her fiancé in Capitol Heights, Maryland, is not an Ibo lady. (By the way, she just got her conviction overturned as reported in Washington Post on 24th November, 2006 and may possibly get a re-trial)

Also there was Mr. Johnny Omorogieva who murdered his Sierra Leonean wife, Mrs. Isatu Omorogieva with a hammer in Euless, a suburb of Dallas, Texas on 10th of August, 2005.

There was also Mr. Ebenezer Akeredolu who traveled from Atlanta, GA on a 13 hours journey to Grand Prairie, another suburb of Dallas, Texas to kill his estranged wife.

In the above two instances, the spouses are not Igbos. I refer readers to an article in “Kwenu” on the subject: “Nigerian Marriages in America Are Ending Deadly” written on Thursday September 22, 2005 by Acho Orabuchi.

The above are instances of tragedies and I know that their relatives are still grieving and asking why it happened to their loved ones. I can feel their pains and what they go through everyday of their lives. It is really very sad!

Incidentally, my initial personal experience about marital issues among Nigerians living abroad did not come from my association with Igbos. When a wife of my one of my cousins newly arrived in USA and few weeks after she started working; a certain married Nigerian lady advised her to secretly open her own bank account. When she refused, she said to her “I know what I’m telling you. You can never trust Nigerian men” This lady was trying to sow a seed of discord in that new marriage and the lady in question is not an Igbo lady; and she was having a serious marital issue of her own. Moreover, a Nigerian lady that always runs away with her kids to the church almost every evening because her mother-in-law with the acquiescence of her husband was always ready to fight her and to force her out of her marriage; is not an Igbo woman.

It is ridiculous and in fact disingenuous for Mr Oyobio to tribalize and trivialize a serious social issue like this. I think that he is speaking out of ignorance and not out of malice. My question now is: “Even if Mr Oyobio’s tribe is without blemish as regards domestic relations, is it not prudent to keep an open mind and use other people’s experience to strengthen his own people’s marriage? Why should he wait until the pendulum of marital tragedy swings to his tribesmen before he discovers that something has to be done about this?

Some people believe that all these tragic news they hear about are just fictions. They are not fictions! You do not fold your arm and pretend that it does not exist simply because you have not seen a name that sounds like it comes from your tribe. Do not wait until you lose a loved one or something bad happen to you or somebody you care about before you believe that enough is enough. It might be too late!

I am happy that many people realize that we have a serious problem. If by my writing about the issue, one marriage or one life is saved, I will go home a fulfilled commentator.

Akwete puts it more succinctly:

“Thank you for at least recognizing there is a problem in our immediate community. My thing is that whether it is 99% or 0.01% men kill their wives or their wives seek some ungodly means to render their husbands good for nothing. In either case, it is one too many and we as Nigerians/Africans do recognize that there is a problem and how do we go about addressing it. Brothers/Sisters let us seek for solutions in our small villages or town meetings and associations. I have to say thanks to you and Rev Chima Ekeke for your food for thought.”

In some town unions, committees are being set up to mediate in some of these issues. That is some progress, though a lot more needs to be done to encourage people to seek professional help or marital counseling.

However, it was Mr Shola Aiyetan that gave a very insightful suggestion. According to him:

“...... You’ve said it all the only thing is that our journalists back in Nigeria should do more by doing talk shows on radio and TV stations on this topic and a topic like Nigerians in Diaspora so that people back home could have knowledge of the life outside Nigeria.”

This is a very reasonable suggestion. Journalists back home should open up talk shows on issues like this. I should add that Nigerian movie writers and directors should take a cue on this and expose this issue to people back home. They should start acting movies based on this issue if they have not started doing so yet. People back home should know that everything here in Diaspora is not made-in-heaven and that “the rich also cry”

Also Nigerian Embassies scattered all over the globe especially those in Western countries and US Embassy in Nigeria should also assist in sensitizing new immigrants about what they should prepare for when they arrive to stay with their spouses in foreign land.

Finally, I want to close by sharing with you the words of a Nigerian Diplomat in UK when he said:

“Marriage is a difficult thing. It takes the grace of God and deep deep understanding between both parties for the contract to work the way it did for our fathers. Also when both couples come from homes that built on Christian and deep family values, it might also help”.